Page 38 of Full Tilt
“Six months? What happens in six months? Nothing. Screw your six months. He goes back on the list, right? The donor list? If this heart is failing, then you give him another.”
Dr. Morrison pursed his lips. “There are some ethical implications—”
“Fuck the implications,” Theo said. “If he’s on the list, he’s on the list. A new heart comes up, he gets it. Right?” He turned to me with blazing eyes. “Right?”
I couldn’t take another heart from someone else on the list who could live a long and happy life with it. I had a rare tissue type. The rarest. Finding a donor who was a close match was almost impossible. Thirteen months ago, in a rush to save my life, they’d given me the best heart they could, the closest match, and my immune system was wrecking it. It would only do the same to another.
I wasn’t a martyr by any stretch, and I didn’t need to be. Medical ethics and procedures would take the decision out of my hands. Dr. Morrison’s next words confirmed it.
“Yes, Jonah is back on the donor list.” He turned to me. “But your rare tissue type will again be a factor, and the chronic rejection manifested here, as well as the way your kidneys are handling the immunosuppressant medications. I can’t say I’m optimistic the Board will approve a replantation…”
I could feel Theo’s rage like a hot wind at my back. “What do you mean they won’t approve it? They’ll just…they’ll let him…”
Hewas on the edge, I could hear it, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to protect my little brother, just as I always had. Keep him safe.
I rose to my feet, my legs strong now. “Thank you, Dr. M.” I offered my hand. “We’ll be in touch.”
Dr. Morrison stood up as well but didn’t shake my hand. Instead, he patted my cheek in a grandfatherly manner. “You’ll be in my prayers, Jonah. Tonight and every night.”
“Prayers.” Theo spit the word in the parking lot. “What the fuck good will prayers do? He’s a scientist. He needs to get his ass in the lab or something and figure out how to stop that goddamn rejection.”
Then it hit me. All of it. Like a lightning bolt striking the top of my head and tearing straight down, nearly cleaving me in two.
I gripped Theo’s arm and he stopped with a jolt.
“What is it? Jonah? Talk to me…”
I pulled him close, the blood flooding my brain and my words coming out on shallow puffs of air. My head swelled. I could feel time racing past me, second by second, and I couldn’t be done yet. I wasn’t done yet.
“Help me, Theo.”
“What is it?”
“You have to help me.”
“Are you…Do you need doctor…?” His head whipped around the rows of parked cars, ready to call for help.
“No doctors. Not anymore. Theo, listen to me. I need your help.”
“Tell me,” he said. “What do you need? Anything, Jonah. Anything.”
“Help me finish it,” I said, my eyes boring into his. “I have to finish it, Theo. The installation. No matter what. I have to leave something behind.”
“Don’t talk like that,” he said. “You’re not going anywhere…”
I had to make him see. I held onto my brother, clutched himtight. He was solid and real, while I was already dissipating into the air, particle by particle. “Don’t let me vanish, Theo. Please. Help me…”
Theo’s eyes flared at my words, and his grip on my arms became painful. “I’ll help you,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll help you. Anything you want or need…I’m here. And so are you. You’re not going to vanish, Jonah. Goddammit, you’re not.”
I nodded and sucked in several draughts of air.
“Okay. Okay, thanks. I’m sorry, I panicked but I’m good now. Sorry. Let’s go. We can go now.”
I started walking and Theo had no choice but to follow. I could feel him watching me like a hawk. The solidity of him calmed me more. Not his anger, that was a shield between himself and the world, but what lay beneath. His devotion to those he loved. Unwavering and unbreakable. Permanent.
The blood drained from my head and my borrowed heart settled down. Still, it ticked away the time with each beat. I had a finite number of pulses that could be counted and measured.
Six months.
