Page 90 of He Is My Bride
When the moment of departure drew close, Li Ying went to Hanjun, who was still particularly quiet, sitting on the couch and trying to meditate the hangover away.
“Hanjun…” Li Ying called in a sing-song voice.
Hanjun noticed Li Ying hiding something behind his back. Li Ying smiled and huddled next to him on the couch.
“I’m going to be an absolute wreck when I have to go home without you. I’m not sure it’s going to even feel like a home anymore when you’re not there.” Li Ying put his head on Hanjun’s shoulder and the man turned to hug him, kissing his hair.
“You’ll be back soon.” Hanjun sounded like he was reassuring himself just as much as Li Ying.
“But will you miss me?” Li Ying asked.
“Yes,” Hanjun responded in a whisper like the last delicate petal falling off a tree, giving up with beautiful sorrow. It pierced Li Ying’s heart.
Hanjun was always so calm and patient, but Li Ying knew he would be struggling as well, in his own quiet way. Hanjun would grin and bear it while carrying out his duties, but Li Ying had gotten Hanjun something he hoped would ease his loneliness:
“I got you something else from the tea store,” Li Ying said. “Close your eyes.”
Hanjun closed them, and Li Ying brought the gift forth from behind his back, letting it sit on his palms. “Open!”
Hanjun did, and saw a small clay rooster in Li Ying’s hands—a tea pet. It was stylized, cute and round, its little beak held up as if to drink up the tea that would be poured on it—or as if to give a kiss. Hanjun’s eyes softened, and that tiny smile sneaked to his lips. He gently cupped the tiny tea rooster in his hands and inspected the craftsmanship.
“Since my zodiac sign is a rooster, now my rooster can sit next to your rabbits on the shelf and join you for tea,” Li Ying said. “Think about me when you pour tea on this little guy, and my spirit will be with you.”
Hanjun held the tea pet to his heart with one hand, the other pulling Li Ying into a hug. Hanjun buried his face against his neck, squeezing him hard, and Li Ying felt him trembling. Hanjun said nothing, couldn’t. Li Ying held him. Hanjun was crying, and Li Ying couldn’t help but break down in tears too. They stayed like that for a long time. Once Hanjun’s shoulders had stopped shaking he said:
“I will keep it close, always.”
“Guys?” Anne called gingerly from the hallway, not having wanted to disturb their moment, but now as it seemed they were done, she needed to urge them to get going; their flight would depart in two hours.
Hanjun wasn’t confident driving them to the airport while he was still hungover, so he got them a taxi. He sat at the back with Li Ying, letting him rest his head on his shoulders and caressing his hand with his fingers, as if they wanted to charge themselves up with each other’s energy until the last possible moment.
When they pulled up to the drop-off point, Hanjun got up with Li Ying and embraced him, giving him a final kiss while their driver was unloading their luggage. Li Ying clung to Hanjun’s neck, kissing him desperately, not wanting to let go, noteverwanting to exist in anyother time or place than this. But time never stops and the world kept spinning, and eventually they tore themselves off from each other.
“Behave now.” Hanjun pressed one more kiss on Li Ying’s forehead. At this point Li Ying was sobbing inconsolably.
Get yourself together!Li Ying told himself, but the tears wouldn’t stop.Why? Why do I feel like I’m being abandoned when it’s not like that?Hanjun wasn’t abandoning him, they would only have to be apart for a while because of practicalities, Li Ying reasoned with himself, but no matter what his logical mind told him, his body kept reacting with a visceral feeling of loss, and the tears just kept coming.I have to go back to school and Hanjun has work to do. Stop crying, you’re an adult living in an adult world now.“I-I’m sorry…” Li Ying feared he was being a burden, acting like a big baby and forcing Hanjun to deal with it again.
Hanjun’s arms closed around him, and Li Ying thought he might crumble to dust. He clung to Hanjun and cried into his coat lapels that smelled like cypress.
Hanjun embraced Li Ying, thinking: just one more time. He didn’t care if the taxi driver was waiting for him, he didn’t care that there was a line of cars by now, none of it mattered. Only Li Ying mattered.
Their separation wasn’t easy for Hanjun either, but unlike him, who’d learned to put his own feelings aside for the sake of family, Li Ying had always been more sensitive. Hanjun admired him for it, how Li Ying never diminished his own emotions.
Am I a cold person?Hanjun asked himself.
But there was a sea of emotions within him, and the deep currents of his heart flowed towards the day he would get to marry Li Ying and make him happy every day. He knew their separation was temporary, and in that knowledge, he stood like a rock in a storm.
But there was a disturbing undercurrent, a doubt that ate away at Hanjun: even if they fooled everyone and got married, could he trulymake Li Ying happy like this? But Li Ying had agreed to the plan, Hanjun reminded himself, because he knew it was the only way.
…Is it?Hanjun felt himself less like a rock and more like glass when he wondered if he had the right to demand Li Ying lead a double life for his sake. Hanjun feared he was dooming Li Ying to unhappiness if he stayed with him, keeping secrets from his family and the whole world.
Hanjun feared Wu Yiheng was right, that he was repeating the mistakes of his father.
Hanjun pushed aside his doubts. He had to trust Li Ying, that he wanted to marry him enough to see this through, even if the plan demanded sacrifices. Because if he didn’t… Hanjun thought he might shatter.
“Li Ying,” Hanjun spoke gently.
Li Ying still sobbed, quieter now, calming down. “Mm?”
