Page 157 of He Is My Bride
Sometimes, Hanjun even thought of letting Li Ying go.
When Li Ying was around, it was easier for Hanjun to breathe, to be. Everything felt right, felt whole, while being apart felt like there was a gaping hole in Hanjun’s life, but could he really ask Li Ying to give uphiswhole life just to marry him?
Despite how much they loved each other, there was simply so much that wanted to get between them: society, culture, all on somany levels. They were defying everything to continue being together.
Just like Hanjun’s father and mother had.
But of course they were, neither man could live without the other.
…Could you?Hanjun asked Li Ying’s neck.
The slighter man was being his little spoon. Hanjun was drawing a continuous figure eight across Li Ying’s neck and listening to his deep, sleeping breaths.
It was one of their too-many last nights together in New York. Hanjun had to return to Shanghai tomorrow, and he couldn’t sleep with his heavy thoughts.
They had both begun to realize the rest of Li Ying’s life would be more challenging than just playing some dress-up if he stayed in China, yet they hadn’t discussed these realities since the day Wu Yiheng finally gave them his blessing.
Will you grow to resent your life, resent me, if I keep you in Shanghai?
Would Li Ying end up like Hanjun’s mother? The thought was a stab through Hanjun’s heart.
Hanjun didn’t doubt Li Ying loved him. Li Ying told him that every day, in so many more ways than words, but would he love Hanjun enough to keep living a lie year after year?
I would do the same for you,Hanjun thought.
Would he?
Indeed, whathadHanjungiven up to be with Li Ying so far? The only one making sacrifices was his fiancé.
I’m so selfish!
And, accepting that, Hanjun kept his silence.
Li Ying had already said yes, that he was sure, had he not? Surely he would speak up if he didn’t want to go through all this after all, or so Hanjun told himself.
Yet he knew Li Ying feared abandonment and yearned for a place to belong, for someone who loved him unconditionally, and Hanjun couldn’t help but feel he was taking advantage of that.
Silently, Li Ying held in his heart the same fears: that he couldn’t do this.
Li Ying feared his love wouldn’t be enough to keep him going when his life would be spent lying, meeting everyone’s expectations, and justpretendingon so many levels. Li Ying had dreamed of a simpler life.
On the other hand, Li Ying was just as afraid as Hanjun to consider a life without the other. Perhaps living in Shanghai as a woman would leave Li Ying wondering how different life could have been if Hanjun weren’t someone so important, but the thought of living without Hanjun was terribly lonely.
Li Ying didn’t want to scare Hanjun though, to make him worry, or doubt his devotion, and so he, too, kept his silence.
And in their silence, the day of their wedding drew closer.
—
The Qians showed up to Li Ying’s graduation ceremony late next spring, save for Mrs. Qian, not that Li Ying had expected her.
And so Li Ying swore his Hippocratic oath in an auditorium full of young, hopeful doctors, and got his M.D.
This would be enough for him to start practicing as a doctor in China in certain settings, but he had been in contact with a hospital in Shanghai and had negotiated a residency to become a trauma surgeon. Even if it was going to be different from what he had envisioned, Li Ying was looking forward to it: he would get to patch up much more than little cuts.
“Congratulations, Li Ying!” Amy handed him a rose from all of them and hugged him.
“Well done.” Qian Hong smiled and took his turn hugging his foster son. “Here’s a small graduation gift.” Qian Hong handed Li Ying a discreet envelope.
