Page 58 of Changeling
“No,” Nathan said again, staring at Jim instead of Sasha as he spoke to make it perfectly clear he meant his words for both of them. “He doesn’t get to use you like that. He doesn’t get to treat you like some god damn demon soldier.”
Jim’s amber gaze was hard as it stared back at Nathan, but Nathan was not about to waver.
“Nathan,” Sasha said, almost patronizing, as he stepped around the wall Nathan had made of his body, “I am a demon. Isn’t dark fae close enough? I’m half, at least. Jim’s close to one too, as a changeling. But that doesn’t have to mean evil. Haven’t you said that yourself? Haven’t you wished that for Jim? Haven’t we proven it enough with Ula now, too? And tonight, what did Jim really do that was so terrible? He’s just trying to save you.”
That phrase clanged like a gong in Nathan’s head.
“No matter which version he is, Jim’s trying to save you. He can use me for that.”
Nathan’s arms dropped back to his sides as Sasha walked past him, but he reached to grab the redhead’s shoulder before he could get too close to Jim. “No. This is wrong. This has to be wrong.”
It pained Nathan how full of compassionate resolve Sasha was when he looked back at him. “I want to do this, Nathan. It’ll be okay.”
But Nathan knew that was a lie and neither of them wanted to see it.
Like before, as Sasha turned to Jim, his eyes went dead blank, just a mindless puppet for Jim to control. Nathan had to do something. He couldn’t think in terms of logic, whether or not Sasha was right, or that somehow things would be okay in the end if Jim just let himself reach True Awakening. He was too angry. At Jim, at those damn amber eyes, at Sasha for willingly going along with it all, at the bounty looming overhead, and everything else too.
Before any new message or order could be sent, Nathan looked hard at his brother and charged, no thinking, just a mad rush at Jim until Nathan slammed him back against the doorframe of the bathroom.
Chapter 24
“Getout!”Nathanscreamedin Jim’s face.
No, notJim’s. It was the amber eyes. It was their fault.
“Get out of my brother!” Nathan yelled. “Be Jim. You’ve had your fun, nowbe Jim. Stop trying to save me. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth any of this. You don’t…dothings like this, Jim, sending Sasha out to do your bidding. You can’t let the dreams be right. Youcan’t. Just be Jim.Be Jim.”
It was too much for Nathan, all that emotion welling up inside him and trying to claw its way out. In the end he wasn’t yelling anymore; he wasn’t holding Jim in place. He was sobbing and clinging to Jim’s shirt.
This was too messed up. He didn’t want Jim doing these things for him. Not forhim.
The amber-eyed Jim, so strange and different but a part of Jim too, looked on with his slit stare and Nathan saw an answering tear fall to match his own. Jim’s arms shot out and pulled Nathan in against him, crushing him to his chest for anotherdesperate hug. Nathan sobbed harder through the sting of pain, dampening Jim’s shirt.
Softly, he heard, “I’m sorry, Nathan,” and then the strong body holding him went lax and fell straight to the floor, taking Nathan down with it.
A sob wracked through Jim as they hit the carpet. Nathan didn’t have to look; he knew the amber eyes were gone. Jim clung harder to Nathan and it seemed so wrong somehow for them to be crying in each other’s arms like that. There had to be a breaking point somewhere, Nathan knew that, but he hated how they kept finding new ones.
“Nathan…I…I’m sorry,” Jim choked out, “I’m so sorry.”
“Jim…”
“I remember…everything this time.Everything,” Jim admitted. “God, Nate…I don’t want to scare you like this. I never…never want you to see me like this.”
“Jim,” Nathan said more firmly. He sensed the angst, the self-loathing that was coming, and he didn’t want Jim to keep doing that to himself. Nathan knew he wasn’t one to talk, but it was his job to get on his brother’s case, damn it. “Don’t go blaming yourself for this, Jim. I don’t care if those amber eyes are a part of you, they’re not you. They’re not—”
“They’reme, Nate,” Jim broke in. Both their bodies were leaning into each other for support, with Nathan’s head held against Jim’s chest and Jim’s face pressing into Nathan’s hair. “This is my fault,” Jim said. “Every time I think I can let the walls down a bit, it feels so open…so bare. I can feel everything I’m capable of, Nathan, and I can’t stand it. That’s why I keep putting the walls back up.”
“It’s okay, Jim,” Nathan tried, “I get why you—”
“No. It’snotokay. I can’t keep running scared, Nathan. I have to give in, like Sasha said. I have to fight.”
“Giving in is fighting?”
“I can beat this,” Jim said with conviction. “I can control it, Nate, I know I can. I have to, because if I don’t…I’ll just bethatforever…and not me. And then maybe I will Awaken fully, and I’ll be exactly what we’ve always feared. But if I take this head on, if I give in to what I am…maybe I can Awaken and stay me at the same time.” Finally, Jim pulled out of their embrace—Nathan doubted he could have done it—and looked at his brother resolutely with red-rimmed, dark blue eyes.
There was no denying that Nathan liked the sound of Jim beingJim, Awakened or otherwise. Jim having these powers didn’t have to be bad, he reminded himself, thinking back on his parents’ words from long ago and everything he’d learned the past few months, but only if all conscious and unconscious parts of Jim were in control.
Nathan remembered with a start that Sasha was still with them, and looked up to find the incubus standing stone-still above them, on autopilot, still awaiting an order.
