Page 17 of Changeling
“And I bet he’d do it again,” came Sasha’s voice, just as soft and mournful as Jim’s but stronger, steady and solid the way Nathan loved about the incubus.
Damn right Nathan would do it again.
“Jim, you can’t blame yourself for Nathan loving you enough to do what he did.”
“He shouldn’t have saved me. I wassupposedto be taken. Not him.” Jim’s voice was a low growl, angry despite his tears. “He had…he had no right.”
“And what about you?” Sasha asked. “Forcing Nathan’s hand to kill you like that in the warehouse with Gabriel? You had no right, but you did it anyway. Why? Because you were scared, Jim. Because you wanted to protect him. Just like Nathan did with you.”
“It’s not the same,” Jim said. “I’m a liability. It’s not the same as with you, either, so don’t try and lump us together like youunderstand,” he growled before Sasha could contradict him. He sounded so vicious as he said those words that Nathan almost bolted around the corner out of principle to knock his brother down a few pegs.
“You know what you are,” Jim said, softer again. “You understand the things you can do, the things you need to do, and you keep yourself controlled. I don’t even know from one second to the next if I’m still going to be me or…something terrible…”
Jim was crying outright. Jim was sobbing. So when the sound suddenly became muffled, Nathan knew Sasha must have pulled Jim in against him.
Nathan felt unhinged standing there outside the room, listening to Jim crying in Sasha’s arms like a kid. Jim had always been the strong one. Jim didn’t think he was, but hewas. He had to be.
“I don’t have much time either…” Jim choked out. “I remember…Sasha, Iremember…pieces from the Veil.”
A sharp twinge of cold rushed through Nathan’s body.
“I remember the time…months, I think, not the two weeks it was for Nathan…and these voices, telling me things, things I’d do, I don’t remember what, but I know it wasn’t anything good. And these…theseeyes. Red eyes. No…not just red, like yours…”
Nathan swallowed.
“…red on black.”
The hallway felt smaller, constricted, and Nathan almost revealed himself if only to escape the confinement and the dull ache of fear beginning to throb inside his gut. Silence reigned for a few minutes, other than Jim’s soft sobs, with Sasha not saying a word, just being there and listening for when Jim spoke again.
“I keep thinking…” Jim finally said, so softly that his voice hitched on every other word, still muffled as if his face was pressed into Sasha’s shoulder, “…if I can just save him…then at least I’ll have made it right again, and…and there’ll still be someone to stop me when I change. But if we fail and they take him…if he’s not here to stop me, Sasha, if he can’t…someonehas to…”
“Jim…” Sasha sighed, knowing where Jim meant to take the conversation now, this tearful confession, and Nathan knew too, hated Jim for it, for putting the burden on someone else. “You want to save Nathan so we can all stay together, not to ensure an executioner. You’re just scared.”
“I…I do want us together,” Jim admitted miserably, “but I know, one way or another, we can’t have that. I’ll either fail to save Nathan…or turn into some kind of monster. And if it’s both…if it’s both, Sasha,please…”
Nathan sensed Sasha’s growl even before it came out, more threatening than he had ever heard it and certainly not the warming purr he loved. “Damn you for even asking,” came Sasha’s gruffer incubus voice so that Nathan had to wonder if Sasha was showing fangs. “You’ve already given up. By evensaying those words, you’re condemning yourselfand Nathan, like he’s already dead and you’re just going to sit here and let the dark sidhe have him.”
Jim made no sound to defend himself so Sasha growled again.
“They can’t have him. And you’re not one of them,” Sasha said firmly. “Say all you want that we’re not alike, Jim, but we are. I didn’t ask to be what I am and I don’t always keep the control I should, not even close. Sometimes I wish I was human so badly…” Sasha trailed, and for the first time, Nathan heard Sasha’s voice hitch a little too.
Nathan never would have thought the incubus felt that way; Sasha always seemed so comfortable in his skin, just a little lonely—before Nathan came along.
“But I know…I know that just because I’m not human doesn’t mean I’m a monster. Because I don’t want to be one. And that has to be enough. Coz if it’s not enough for you…than it’s not enough for me either, and Nathan needs both of us right now. We’ll save him,we will,” Sasha said with what Nathan believed was every bit of conviction the incubus had in him, despite how close to tears he sounded now too. “I can’t lose you guys. I need both of you. You can’t give me a family again just to take it away, Jim, I won’t let you. We’ve already lost our families once. So don’t you dare ask me to do what you know Nathan can’t either, because I won’t. And I won’t need to. We. Can. Do. This.”
Another sob choked out of Jim, and Nathan heard a whole new wave of tears start for his brother. He thought Sasha must be crying with him, only silently, being the strong one for Jim because Jim couldn’t always be the strong one by himself.
It wasn’t that Nathan couldn’t do that for Jim, he just did it differently. Nathan would have told Jim to suck it up, maybe changed the subject, maybe made a stupid joke, but sometimes that wasn’t enough. Jim needed to feel what he was feeling, but he needed to be comforted that everything would be all right,too. Nathan just wasn’t good at that kind of thing. He couldn’t have been more grateful that Sasha was.
When it finally sounded like the waterworks were slowing and the two of them were just in there, quiet as anything, Nathan backed up a ways down the hallway and called out.
“Hey! Where you guys at!?” he said, as if he had only just made it upstairs to search them out. “Jim! Sasha!” Nathan made his way slowly back to the library, giving them time to disentangle and dry their eyes, even though he knew he would be able to see the redness like a painful reminder.
“In here!” Sasha called back, just about the time Nathan was upon the library again anyway.
“Geez, been looking everywhere for you guys,” Nathan said as he entered, finding them just as he imagined, sitting next to each other on the ratty old sofa, Jim’s eyes all red-rimmed while Sasha’s managed to look almost pristine. “Not fooling around behind my back, are ya?” Nathan smirked. “Coz ya know I’d have to kill you both, right?”
Thatwas what Nathan did, because that was what he could do, and he felt the greatest relief when both of them broke into smiles. He knew it would be too obvious if he feigned complete ignorance though.
