Page 89 of Sidhe
“Nathan…”
“Don’t. Don’t try and tell me who I’m supposed to be, how I’m supposed to act, what choices are ‘Nathan’enough for me to make.” He was still so angry, but he felt the dampness in his eyes, tears he wouldn’t let fall. “I was in the Veil, Jim. You know what that’s like. I was there and it was…horrible, but that’s no excuse for what I did. When push came to shove…I caved. I gave in. Malak used you to make me choose him andI did. I gave him what he wanted and I didn’t care about the consequences. I just wanted it all to stop. I would’ve doneanything.” He clenched his eyes tight, breathing in sharply to stay his tears.
Silence squeezed in on them again, thick, charged with static.
Then Jim said, “So that’s what this really is?” his voice soft and—God, Nathan hated it—disappointed. “Nathan, you said it yourself, you were in the Veil. And Idon’tknow what that’s like, because it was different for you than it was for me. Malak had you there for a year, pushing all the right buttons. No one would ever blame you for breaking. You’re here now. That’s what matters. Malak has a lot of power, and maybe he can still push you in ways we won’t be able to prepare for, but I know that won’t matter. You made the right decision in the end, even if you did choose him in the Veil, and you’ll make the right decision again.”
“You’re wrong,” Nathan said in an angry rush.
“Nate—”
“I got Iain killed!” Nathan yelled this time, his eyes open and flashing red, catching Jim by surprise and startling him into silence. “I chose Malak, Jim. Malak. Then when Sasha brought me back, I freakingleftyou. And even after I came back…”
“But youcame back, Nate. That’s what matters. And Iain…that wasn’t your fault.”
Nathan shook his head, fiercely back and forth like he couldn’t stop. “It’s not enough. I’m not enough. If Sasha hadn’t made his deal—”
“God, damn it, Nathan,shut up.”
It was an order, no more nonsense in Jim’s tone, no more sympathy. Nathan couldn’t not obey when real power played through the words. He looked up, realizing that Jim was also holding tight to Nathan’s shoulders now, his whole body close.
“We’re not only made up of the bad choices we make, not you or anyone else.”
Nathan thought immediately ofDave.
“It’s the good decisions that I remember of you. Every time.”
“Why?” Nathan croaked.
“Because, Nate,” Jim said, still stern but somehow saying his words affectionately too, “it isn’t how you act atyourlowest that proves who you are, it’s how you act when those you love are attheirs. You’ve always been there when we needed you. You’ve never let me down. And no matter what happens after today, afterright now, I know you never will.
“I’m not saying you should call on Puck this very second to switch you and Sasha back just because I say so, because maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s something about this that none of us fully understands. What I am saying is…don’t make a decision because you think you’re not worth it. You are. Iain was not your fault. That’s on Solrin. That’s on Malak. And besides…Sasha would never be stupid enough to love someone who doesn’t deserve him.”
Then Nathan saw it, the shadow of a smile, crooked on Jim’s lips, and the slight indent of dimples.
“Not if he has to live with you forever anyway, especially without me there to have your backs,” Jim added, and his smile wavered just slightly. “You won’t age after this, remember? I’ll be the older brother by a lot more before we know it.”
Those words caused a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of Nathan’s stomach, like he had swallowed a mouthful of iron, eating away at him from the inside.
When he was still human he had been so worried about having to lose Sasha someday. He had completely forgotten that being an incubus meant he would one day loseJim. Nathan didn’t know what life was like without Jim. They didn’t know how to live without each other.
“People are gonna start worrying.” Jim backed off, intent on leaving now, it seemed, even though nothing had really been resolved. “We don’t want any of those more trigger-happy seals having any reason to get suspicious. Better get back out there.” He turned, pushed on the door.
“Jim,” Nathan called, more likechokedbecause he honestly didn’t know what to say, or how any of this could actually be rectified enough for all the pieces to fit the way he wanted. He wanted Sasha. He wanted Jim. He wanted the world tonot endin the next few days. He wanted a happily ever after that meant no one else would ever leave him again, or vice versa.
But he knew he couldn’t have everything he wanted.
Slowly, Jim turned his head, his body still facing the door like he didn’t dare open himself up to Nathan any more than he had. He smiled but the expression was fractured.
“I just want you to be happy, Nate. But it’d be nice if you believed in yourself a little more sometimes. I wanted to be just like you when we were kids.” He paused, and for a moment Nathan wondered if Jim would leave things there. But then Jimsmiled a little wider, a littler truer, and finished, “There was a reason for that,” before he slipped out the door.
Chapter 32
Nathanshouldhaveexpectedthe call when it came. He really should have. But her voice still caught him by surprise.
“Are you really this much of an idiot?”
“Wade?”
