Page 44 of Scarlet Vows
“Are you sure?” Isla asks.
No, I’m not. “Yes.”
I stare into the mirror at the long cream silk gown. It’s simple, elegant, and a world away from what I wore as Max’s bride.
The only thing that even begins to make me look bride-like is the bouquet of flowers.
Isla stands next to me and snaps a selfie, then she takes the bouquet.
We look like two friends going to an elegant event.
I look like a girl just helping my friend get his inheritance.
She offers me her arm. “Let’s go do this.”
The chapel isoutside of Chicago, and I’m not about to ask how he got it. We’re not religious, and I’d have preferred just doing this in front of a judge or celebrant or whoever.
But I know why.
This makes better pictures.
To anyone outside looking in, this makes it look real.
As we drive up the winding road, the effects of the booze vanish, and the closer we get, the more my anxiety starts to rise again as my heart hammers and my throat seems to swell shut.
When we pull up, a young pastor is outside, or maybe it’s just a celebrant in black. I don’t know. I don’t ask. I just grip Isla’s hand tightly.
“We can?—”
“No,” I say, “we can’t. We’re doing this.”
After I greet the man marrying us, he enters the building of worship.
Ilya is in there. Waiting by the altar. His friend Isaak will be there too. And I…
I can’t move.
I look at Isla.
“Your move, girl,” is all she says.
So I try to gather my courage, to fight the anxiety and the guilt. I look for Max and his guidance. But I can’t find it.
I know what he’d say if he could speak to me. He’d tell me my happiness is the most important thing, and to get that happiness, I have to move forward. I have to let him go.
But letting him go scares me.
We once talked about it, and he said no matter what, he’d be there. If I decided to leave him, he’d be there. If something happened and I moved on like he said I should, he’d be there, always. Because he loved me.
But I don’t feel him.
I can’t hear his words.
And Isla isn’t saying a thing, either.
Just giving me space and silent support for whatever I decide to do.
Finally, I know what I have to do. The space the ghost of Max and Isla gave me fills with resolve.
