Page 108 of Scarlet Vows
Then we get in the car and drive, the perfume of the flowers strong and filling the car, like a promise.
There aren’t any clouds, and the sky’s a beautiful blue as Ipark. I put the leash on Albert, as he waits patiently. I get the flowers, and we walk to Max’s grave.
I don’t knowhow long I’ve been here. The sun’s warm, and the breeze is soft and perfect.
Peace comes over me and dispels my nerves the longer I sit.
Albert’s in my lap, cuddled up, asleep.
I swallow and brush my fingers over the smooth marble, staring at his name carved into it. The date of birth, the date of death. A life ended way too soon.
Beloved son, beloved husband to Alina.
His mother insisted on the husband part, even though he died on our wedding day. I cry yet again.
I used to hate coming here, but I came. About seven months after his death, I couldn’t stay away. I’d have lived here if it weren’t for Isla and Erin.
If it wasn’t for Max’s mom.
Now I have balance. I come to see him each week because I want to.
Today, I had to.
Guilt winds through me. It’s a new guilt, so that’s fun. And it’s for Ilya.
I feel bad for ignoring him, for sending him short answers when I knew he wouldn’t leave me alone. But while I know Ilya will think I can’t handle what happened, it’s not that, not what he thinks.
Talking to him, to anyone, doesn’t feel right when I’m with Max.
I reach forward and rearrange the flowers in the vase I got, then I touch the rose I got for him last week. I replace it with the new one and lay the wilting one next to his grave.
I put my hand on the flat marble headstone. The sun hasn’t warmed it yet, but I can feel Max again around me.
I know the ghost I’ve carried isn’t real, but something I needed to buffer me and protect me, but like in my heart, I’ve always felt him here, like it’s a conduit to wherever he is now.
And I think, after sitting with him for an hour, I’m ready to talk.
“I’ve never, ever been mad at you for leaving me, Max. You’d have stayed if you could have. I love you, Max. And I will until the day I die. I miss you so much, and it hurts. There are days still I don’t want to get up, but I have more good ones than bad. And you’re there, in me. Always in my heart.
“This little guy here is Albert, and I think you’d love him, too. He’d love you, I know it. You were always so kind to others, Max. My Max.” My voice breaks a little, and I have to swallow.
I don’t try to stop the tears as they trickle down.
They belong to Max, and I won’t deny him.
“I want to tell you something. You told me once that the heart is so big, there’s room for a lot if you let it in. That people can love so much and deeply. You were talking about me and your love, and I feel that too still. But I think… I think you were trying to say if anything happened, I could move on and still love you. I always changed the subject, and I’m sorry for that.”
“Things… Recently, things changed. My feelings for someone. For Ilya, actually. I know how much you liked him and respected him. You always loved how he had my back.”
I sniff, and Albert opens his eyes and looks at me, then he does something I don’t expect. He sits up, licks my tears, and climbs off my lap, only to curl up on the marble, like he’s snuggling with Max.
I cry harder, wailing a little, and I have to slap my hand over my mouth, squeeze my eyes shut, and rock.
Finally, I’m back in control.
I think he feels Max here. He’s a dog who stayed with his owner when he died, and I’m wondering if he stayed with the spirit, too. I’m not overly religious, but I believe there’s more.
Albert barks. Paws at the headstone, avoiding the flowers, then curls back up and sighs, closing his eyes.
