Page 86 of In Death's Hands
Surprise sparks along my bones, along with a warm feeling I ignore. When I look at him—or at his eyes, at least, as I pointedly avoid looking at his boxers, the only piece of clothing left on him—he has a pained expression I don’t understand. But I can hardly focus anymore, my heart going too fast as his presence collides with the increasingly cold water. There is so much salt that my body nearly floats; it would be a pleasant sensation if my teeth hadn’t started to chatter in the minute it took him to undress.
His eyes soften. “You’re almost ready.” There is no double meaning in his words as he plunges his arm into the water to retrieve my hand and hold it tight. “The salt, the dirt, the coal, and the air in your lungs are all conduits. Points of connection with the energies surrounding us.”
“With—with the Order.” My damned mouth barely functions, let alone my brain. All I can think of is the cold becoming daggers plunging deep into my skin. I can feel my muscles readying themselves to bolt out of here. But there is something to be said about stubbornness. I need answers—I will get us some fucking answers.
He nods. “Yes.”
I can barely breathe. The ice is squeezing my heart with its cold, cold hand. I’m not sure I’ll survive this.
“Liv. You don’t—”
“T-tell me a-again what I need to d-do.” I cut him off, ignoring the worry radiating from him.
Sighing, he explains softly, “We’re slowing your heartbeats. The momentbetweenthem is where you’ll meet the Order. I can’t tell you what you’ll see or feel; we know from previous attempts that it’s different for everyone. That is,” he adds, clenching his jaw, “those who have managed to commune without losing themselves.”
“Huh? D-did you—”
“No.”
“You weren’t curious?” I force the words out in a rush past my trembling lips.
“More than you’ll ever know.” His jaw ticks. “But we found a correlation between the…qualityof the soul and those who manage to reach the Order and have a positive experience.”
I frown, although I’m not sure my frozen skin moves. “What d-d—” I swallow and try again. “D-do—” I throw him a pleading look.
“The Awakening, as we call those initial years after we all woke up in that mountain, was rough. We didn’t know who or what we were. Nor what we were capable of. Many of us made… terrible mistakes. Some cost the lives of others among us, others cost the lives of humans.” He looks out to the forest, eyes lost to unspoken horrors he clearly blames himself for. “Two attempted to commune with the Order and got… lost in whatever they saw.”
My eyes flare.
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you.” He gives me a reassuring smile. “You’ve never hurt anyone.”
Images of my adoptive parents’ laughing faces looking at me in the car flash before my eyes. As always, their smiles last a second while their horror-stricken expressions imprintthemselves on my eyelids like a stubborn reflection of the sun when you look at it directly.
This is a terrible idea. I didn’t know I could get stuck inside my head. Or the Order. Nathan seems utterly unaware of where my mind went, of all the doubts rising in me.You’venever hurt anyone.Except… if only he knew.
“That’s why I won’t try, but I can guide you through it. If my theory is correct, you’ll have an easier time communing than anyone who is bound by their own threads.”
“And. If. Not?” Each word is a battle I am slowly losing.
Nathan’s hand tightens on mine, the only part of me that feels alive anymore. “I will see you through this, Liv, you have my word.”
Somehow, I believe him. This connection we have, I don’t… I don’t… understand. It.
My blinks
are
slow.
I feel like a lifetime is happening between each one. Even Nathan’s grip is far.
Far away.
“Liv.”
I hear a voice I cherish. A voice laced with the voices of others. It’s a strange symphony. A lovely one that pulls at my slowing heart.
“You’re ready,” the voices say. “Follow my voice,” they sing.
