Page 68 of In Death's Hands
Clearing my throat, I take the food and dig in. Better than staring at him all night, I guess. But despite the food being amazing, I can’t help stealing glances at him. He’s changed at some point between my breakdown and my waking up. Dark shirt, dark jeans, everything repelling the light and yet somehow holding my attention captive. Never giving it back. He looks around the room, outside the windows, where the lights still shine and the party is still going. I wonder if it ever truly stops here. Maybe that’s why he resents them, the fact that they get to walk in the light while he’s stuck being the assistant of the one bound to the shadows.
Because it’s clear that something is wrong between them all. I just don’t understand what exactly. Eh, as if I’m the one to judge what’s wrong in others. Hey, pot, meet kettle! I snort, making Nathan turn towards me with a raised eyebrow. I shakemy head and fill my mouth again with mango-flavoured rice. He nods as if he understands and keeps searching through the room, going as far as opening a few drawers here and there. It makes me smile. I totally snooped earlier, just like he’s doing. Trying to gather clues any way I could. Because that’s the thing. I don’t understand shit.
I don’t understand how I could be on some mythical being’s kill list. What did I do? Who am I, truly, to be noticed by these people? I’m just your average twenty-something barista with zero clue about what the fuck she wants to do for the rest of her life.
“Why me?”
The question breaks the silence like a gunshot. Not that I’ve ever heard the sound in real life, but that’s what it feels like. A sound breaking through silence and flesh alike.
Nathan doesn’t answer right away, but he doesn’t dismiss my question like I was afraid he would. No, he looks at me. Always so steady, those eyes of his. Like a dark pool that could swallow me whole and never bring me back to the surface. He slowly makes his way to the bed and sits next to me.
He’s not touching me, and yet his presence, his warmth, is like an answer. Like maybe this is all happening to me so I can feel him close to me.
How insane would it be for me to think it all worth it?
“I’m not sure, Liv.” His voice is a rumble, a caress in the dark that has me steeling my spine to contain the shivers. “We’re one step closer to figuring it out, though.”
I nod. “It’s just… it’s just insane, you know? I don’t get any of it.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and I canfeelhis pain for me, so much so that I can’t help grabbing his hand. When he tenses, Ifear I’ve made a mistake, but after a few stressful heartbeats, he relaxes and squeezes my hand once.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
He closes his eyes, and I don’t understand the pain I read on his face. I find it unbearable, so I change the subject. “In fact,I’msorry. And grateful. And about a hundred kinds of embarrassed.”
“What?” he blurts. “Why on earth would you say that?”
I snicker. It’s strange when he uses these expressions. They sort of take on a whole new meaning with him. Why on earth indeed. Has he been to space?Canhe? Oh my goodness, does Death also rule other planets? Would he know if there is anything living out there?
“Liv?”
“Uhm.” Oops, I got carried away. “Sorry, I was thinking about aliens.”
The look on his face would be comical if I didn’t feel so ridiculous. “You what?”
“Never mind,” I mumble as I finish the poke without even tasting it anymore. What a waste.
He laughs, his shaking shoulders brushing against mine, and in no time I’m laughing right alongside him.
When the quiet takes hold again, he nudges me with his shoulder and leaves it there, resting gently against my skin. The touch gives me the strength to answer him, to look into his dark eyes as I say, “I’m sorry for earlier. Turns out you were right, and a meltdown was always coming. You knew all this shit would break me, and you were right.”
“Hey, no. I wasn’t right.” His eyes drop to our interlocked hands, and there’s a flicker of something like wonder on his face. “You held your ground. You fought hard. Tonight, and theother times. All your life, really. You stood strong when I kept unveiling unbelievable fact after unbelievable fact. You took it all inside that wonderful heart of yours and it hasn’t broken you once.” I shake my head, ready to prove him wrong, but he doesn’t give me the chance. “It hasn’t broken you, Liv. Tears are not a sign of cracks in your armour, they’re just cleansing your soul of all the shit you held on to.”
I choke on absolutely nothing when he swears. Really, I can’t even use the food as an excuse anymore. It takes a second for me to regain the little composure I have, and when I look at him, there’s a small smile on his face. Did he use that word on purpose? To make me forget? To make me laugh? Warmth spreads in my chest and I’m not even pretending it’s not entirely related to him. His kindness. His presence.
“Thank you,” I tell him in an entirely undignified squeak. When will I catch a break?
His smile spreads and his eyes roam all over my face. He doesn’t seem to see the blotchy skin and ruffled hair I know are there. Or maybe he does, since he brings one hand up to gently push a strand behind my ear. His fingers graze my cheek and start a blazing fire between my legs. Right before his hand falls away, I catch it with my own and trap it against my cheek.
His eyes widen but he doesn’t move away. His hand is warm against my skin and oh so pleasant. Tiny sparks come to life and spread further down my body. His eyes search mine, a puzzled expression furrowing his eyebrows. He almost looks in pain. I’m about to move away and beg my brain to forget I ever did that when his thumb brushes gently across my cheek. A caress that steals my breath.
I want… I want so much. I want a life where I don’t have to constantly fear for my safety. I want to figure out what I’m good at and what drives me. I want to know what it feels like to besurrounded by a loving family. But right now, all I want is him. I bite my lip, half convinced that these words will burst out of me without my consent if I don’t forcefully keep them in. The gesture grabs his attention, and an inferno takes hold of my body when his eyes fall to my lips and impossibly darken at the sight. Could he… want this too?
That kiss we shared had been born of desperation. A need for relief and connection. And he seemed to move on from it too quickly for it to have meant much at all. So I did my best to push it out of my head. But every moan my lips drew out of him then comes crashing back at the undisguised heat in his eyes.
A million reasons parade through my head as to why this is a very, very bad idea. But maybe I need a million and one to stop me because Nathan is a magnet. One I’m too weak to resist. His thumb stops moving and my hand lets go of his to grab his shirt. His stays exactly where it is. Content, it seems, to keep cradling my face like it’s a precious thing. I take it as a sign and let myself fall into his orbit. My eyes roam over his face. His eyes are wild, his breathing ragged, and he looks lost. His whole body is tight as a bowstring, ready to snap at any second. And maybe I’m being careless, but it doesn’t seem too bad to risk the sting of the string when he finally releases all that tension.
My eyes jump between his and his mouth. His slightly parted lips that call to mine like a siren. I’m all too willing to drown for just a taste. I get closer, painfully slowly, still gauging his reaction. He looks up from my lips and our gazes collide. What I feel is reflected in his eyes and everything in me tightens and loosens at once. I recognise the hunger in him; it calls to my own. The space between us burns like a wildfire and suddenly his mouth is on me.
