Page 33 of The King's Bodyguard
“Purple,” I said promptly.
A grin flashed across Rilla’s face and a look of mischief lit up her dull eyes.
“Truly? You and Hugh did that?”
“We did.” I shrugged. “They weren’t happy with us either. Apparently, we were not treating this with the seriousness it deserved. Hugh was dismissed, but he couldn’t stop laughing. Lord Berran came and gave me this dastardly long lecture on responsibilities. I assured him I would do the right thing, by you, by Sumarene, and Esteria, too. But I can’t be bothered with flowers. Not right now. Besides, at least Hugh chose between the two colors. Corrin suggested black.”
Rilla snorted. “Are there black flowers?”
“There are. According to Corrin, there is one such flower, death’s door, that grows on the mountainsides of Velamere.” I gazed at her, happy to see her cheered up if only a little. “Lady Hartford and Madame Rathe would hate them… I suppose the wedding weighs heavily on you as well.”
“Yes.” Rilla gazed back at me sadly. “I know you aren’t any more excited than me about this.”
I opened my mouth to protest and then fell silent.
“I have noticed...” Rilla trailed off and then didn’t say anything more. She gazed back out of the window, swallowed, and then continued on a different tack altogether. “Sometimes it is difficult to do the right thing.”
Corrin swam into my mind’s eye. Corrin smiling. Corrin pinning me down among cool leaves, his lips warming my own in a passionate kiss. When I jolted back to the present, I realized that Rilla had also stopped talking. Her gaze, now focused out of the window, seemed also to look at something unseen. Rilla felt very far away.
“But whatever happens,” I said, “we’ll be together.”
That was what Corrin told me. Somehow telling Rilla that didn’t feel the same. Rilla chuckled then.
“Landis... If this wedding happens—“
“It will happen,” I interjected bravely. “I won’t run away and leave you standing there, Rilla.”
“I know.” Rilla sighed. “But after... you shouldn’t feel like you are... trapped. You understand? In Esteria, royal relationships are more... open. If you found your heart led somewhere else, I would understand.”
My heart leaped to my throat. Rilla was giving me permission, giving me an opportunity to continue whatever Corrin and I were exploring. Corrin could remain. He would remain. He had promised that. With him there, whatever happened would surely be less painful.
I swallowed the painful lump in my throat as I gazed down at my hands. I could do that, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“I really couldn’t,” I said stiffly.
Rilla sighed. “It would be an understanding between you and me. Everyone would understand, Landis. Even my silly parents would expect it to a certain degree. Anyone with eyes knows... Well. At any rate, you can think about it.”
“I couldn’t,” I repeated. “I—I have seen enough to know that I couldn’t.”
My eldest half-sister seducing three noble lords in an evening. Another half-sister crying in her room, afraid to wake up one morning and find herself replaced by a younger, prettier molly. My eldest half-brother, rutting against a maid on the back stairs. My fingers curled into fists, and I glared stonily out the window. I forced myself to breathe in and relax. I didn’t want to frighten Rilla.
“That kind of thing would hurt us, I think. Drive a wedge, possibly. At the very least, provide our enemies with ammunition. When it comes to matters of the bed and the heart, I prefer to remain true to my promises as far as I’m able.”
“Oh, Landis.”
Rilla’s hand rose to brush against my cheek. I forced myself not to flinch. It felt wrong for anyone but Corrin to touch me like that. She must have read something on my face, for her hand dropped instantly. Rilla offered me a sad smile.
“When news of the war reached our court’s ears, we all laid bets on your siblings. We awaited news with thirsty eagerness. Emissaries from other countries also gossiped and laid wagers. Sometimes messengers would arrive from one of the princes or princesses.” Rilla’s voice wavered a little. “But never from you. We forgot about you. Like everyone else. When news of your ascendancy reached our ears, you can imagine the shock. Everyone lost a little that day... but Sumarene and Esteria and I... gained so much.”
A lump now swelled in my throat. Her hand brushed against mine and then retreated.
“You won’t ever be forgotten again, Landis. Your legacy—a wise, generous-hearted king—will last for all time. I know it. Esteria will know it, too.”
Rilla rose, kissed me gently on the cheek, and then slipped away. I did not follow her. I was frozen in my spot as I considered her encouragement. Rilla believed in me. I thought of Corrin and his words about his mother’s dream. How he looked at me at the table, poleaxed by my feeble attempts to mend the bridge between our kind. Rilla and Corrin saw something in me.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I contemplated my promise to Rilla. I would not dally with others once we were married. Not even with Corrin. It didn’t matter what other people expected. I couldn’t do it. But it would tear my heart apart.
Rilla and Corrin saw something in me. I only wished I could also see it in myself. I felt so weak.
