Page 17 of The Forbidden Summer
Where do we go from here?
How do we go back to normal?
Will it ever be normal again?
I rush through dinner prep while Van showers, the sound of water running through the pipes drowning out the noise in my head. His plate sits untouched on the counter, but I take mine outside to eat on the porch. Alone.
Nothing but crickets and owls to keep me company.
Until Van pushes open the screen door, the rusty hinges creaking loudly in the peace. The sound breaks through my thoughts, sharp and jarring, and my heart skips a beat.
“Mind if I join you?”
I glance over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of him in the doorway, his damp hair falling loosely around his face, his shirt missing, as always.
I hesitate for a moment before I push my plate aside and gesture to the chair beside me. “Yeah,” I say quietly, “there’s room.”
He steps outside, the door clicking shut behind him as he walks across the porch toward me, his gaze meeting mine in thedim light. The air between us feels heavier now, expectant, like it’s been waiting for this moment to arrive.
We sit in silence, just listening to the sounds of the night, both of us unwilling to break the fragile peace. Then Van’s voice cuts through the stillness again, softer this time. “Cap?”
I’m Cap now, not Père, not the name that reminds him of our connection.
Van clears his throat, and my heart kicks up its pace. “You know, earlier... on the boat,” he starts, but trails off, like he’s not sure how to finish the sentence. “I thought...”
I meet his gaze, my chest tightening. “You thought what?” I ask, my voice steady, but underneath it, there's a rawness, something vulnerable I can't hide.
Van looks away, his hand brushing the back of his neck as if he's trying to find the right words. The tranquility between us feels like it’s about to break. “I thought maybe... that we were both about to do something we couldn’t take back.”
I feel a rush of heat flood my face. My pulse quickens as I try to make sense of it, try to understand what he’s really saying. Because if he’s saying he doesn’t want this, that it’s nothing more than an innocent fantasy, he’ll knock twenty years off my life, and I’ll be able to breathe again.
“Van,” I start, clearing my throat. “I would never do anything to hurt you. Ever. Thoughts are just that, ideas in your head. They don’t necessarily have to have a place outside of that. It’s not wrong to want something you don’t plan to act on.”
Actually, that’s not completely true. It’s not wrong for him, but for me… well, I hold myself to a different standard.
“But that’s just it, Cap. What if…”
Don’t, Van. Please, don’t say what if.
“What if I… Iwantto act on them. What if I want them to be real? What then?”
What then? Then, we’re fucked, that’s what.
“Van, you don’t?—”
Van holds up his hand, cutting me off mid-sentence.
“Don’t do that,” he says, his voice firm but not unkind. “You feel what I’m feeling, and you wouldn’t if you didn’t see me as an adult. Yet, by dismissing my feelings, you’re treating me like a child. Please, Père, I’m asking you to give me more credit than that.”
A pang of guilt twists inside me. He’s right. I’ve always treated him like the younger version of himself, the one I could protect, the one who still needed guidance. But he’s not that person anymore, and pretending like he is? That only makes things harder.
I lower my gaze, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “I... I’m sorry,” I say, the words coming out softer than I intended. “I don’t mean to treat you like that,” I admit quietly, my voice hoarse. “It’s just... old habits. I’ve always tried to protect you. To keep you safe.”
I know he’s not used to being seen as anything other than the carefree guy with a smile that could light up a room. But tonight, I see the man he’s becoming. Not the kid he once was, but someone more.
Van watches me closely, his expression unreadable, but I can see the way his jaw tightens.
“I know,” he says, his tone even. “But I’m not a kid anymore, Père.” He fidgets in his seat, leaning a little closer but still untouchable. “And you don’t need to protect me anymore.”
