Page 44 of Grave Kisses
“Yes, you can,” he says. “Let’s just take this one step at a time, okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“What do you think he is thinking, baby?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
“Yes, it does. Tell me,” he says gently, but with a firm tone.
“I’m too much for anyone to handle,” I sniffle. “Why would I fuck someone else’s life up by letting them close to me? I am a fucking black hole that sucks everyone in and destroys them. My entire existence has hurt everyone, but…”
“Fuck,” Jeff says with a sigh. “Kendra, honey. Please look at me for a second.”
“What?” I say through tears as I look at him.
“Is this because of my comment about it taking two men to handle you?”
“Yeah,” I whimper.
“I shouldn’t have said that, Kendra. I didn’t mean it badly, and I never should have said it how I did,” he says. “You are not too much to handle. You are very simple. Simple is good, Kendra.”
“Fuck, I’m confused,” I shout tearfully.
“Will you just fucking say it?” Bellamy says. “You’re making this more difficult than it needs to be. You know where we stand.”
“No,” I say. “Don’t say…”
“I like you, Kendra,” Jeff says to me. “I am so damn attracted to you. I’m so caught up with trying to protect you that I lost focus on the case. I got Jane killed, and I feel guilty for being more worried about you than sad about her death. I don’t know how to make up for everything, but I am going to try. I have to.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.
“Where do you think your feelings are?” he asks. I think I am attracted to him, but something is holding me back. I don’t know what it is, but this doesn’t feel like something that should be rushed. It doesn’t feel like I am the one deciding my emotions, and I don’t like that.
“You are a nice guy, Jeff,” I say. “But there is so much going on right now… I really need for things to go slowly. I don’t want to rush anything and ultimately get one of us hurt.”
“I understand,” he says. Jeff and Marcus let me sit up, and I stand. Sitting makes me feel like my head is going to explode. I let Jeff pull me closer until I am standing between his legs as he sits on the edge of the bed to face me. He has his hands on my thighs, and it’s not that I am uncomfortable, but this doesn’t feel natural. At all. Before, being near him was comforting, but being this close… I am being so paranoid, and I don’t want to hurt him. Not when he just lost his wife. He may very well be grieving and reaching out to me. Isn’t that a thing people do? It’s not real feelings, just grief. I think right now it’s best to move at a snail’s pace and see if his feelings stick around and if I become more comfortable. I look up at Marcus and Bellamy. They are both watching me, and neither of them looks like they like how close we are. Maybe they sense how uncomfortable I am. I hope they call it a night because I just want to be alone with them. I need to think, and I can’t think with Jeff here. He overwhelms me. Whether that is intentional or not, I don’t know. I feel bad for thinking it is.
“Look,” I say. “I’m not saying no, but I do think that for the sake of both of us, we should focus on what’s happening right now. I don’t want things to get more muddled than they already have. If you want to hand off the case, that’s okay. We can still talk and see where things go. If you think you can handle things, that’s fine too.”
“Okay,” he says with a tight smile. I know he doesn’t like that answer, but that is what is best for my babies. Their future is my priority, and being involved with him makes that complicated.
“Well, I am exhausted,” Bellamy says.
“Same,” I lie.
“Well, I will go so you all can rest,” Jeff says as he stands. I go to step back, and he cups my cheek. I have no fucking idea what to do right now. Every time I try to move away from him, it’s like I am made to get closer again. He looks like he is lost in thought, but then he leans into me; I panic. No, I freeze. I want to pull away, but I don’t. I let him kiss me. When he pulls away, I move away from him entirely and stand near Marcus. That one kiss just solidified that I feel nothing for him, but I don’t feel like I can admit that he scares me.
“I’m going to make her get some rest now,” Marcus says before looking at me. “Go get in the shower. I’ll come help in a sec.”
“Okay,” I sigh. I don’t want to make it seem like I am using this to escape, but I am. I turn and go to the bathroom so I can shut myself in. I get the water on and focus on getting my clothesoff. I step into the now scalding hot shower, and I realize I am trembling. What is wrong with me? I was managing my paranoia until he touched my hip. It’s like I went into fight or flight mode, and I froze. Just like I did with Archer. I feel stuck in this situation, and I don't like it.
By the time Marcus and Bellamy get into the shower with me, I am crying. Marcus turns me to face him and cups my face. Bellamy kneads my shoulders, and it helps keep me calm. “I need you to be really fucking honest with me right now, Kendra. We are not mad at you whatsoever, but I do not like how triggered you seemed. What do you really feel for him?”
“I don’t,” I say tearfully. “I feel awful. Like I lead him on. I was mostly okay until he touched my hip. I thought maybe… maybe there was something there, but… I just wanted to get away from him. It felt unnatural and…”
“And what?” he asks when I stop talking.
“It scared me,” I nearly whisper, as if he might hear me if I speak too loudly. “He scares me.”
