Page 60 of Toxic Hope
“There are other options we can look at moving forward,” the doctor offers, but his voice is strained, like even he doesn’t believe it.
In my mind, there is only one question left to ask. I have to force the words out because the weight of them is so heavy. “How long… I mean… how much time do I have left?”
“Emma, don’t think about this yet. We can still try some other treatments.”
“And if they don’t work either, how much time do I have left?” I don’t know why this is so important to me, but I have to know. I just have to.
Dr. Pearson sighs heavily before taking my chart from his desk to flip through it. “If nothing else works… six months to a year.”
Six months to a year.
I slump back in my seat, suddenly feeling a wave of exhaustion hit me.
Six months to a year.
I can’t get that timeframe out of my head. What if that’s all I have left? What if I die before I turn twenty? What am I going to tell my grandma, and what about the twins?
“Would you like to try another treatment, Emma?” The doctor drags me out of my morbid thoughts. “We can take you off your current plan and try something new. There is still hope. Don’t give up yet.”
“Of course. I’m willing to try something else. Anything really.”
“Great!” The doctor seems excited as he goes over my new treatment plan. I try to pay attention the best I can, but my mind is still in disarray.
I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m outside of my body looking in. Like my subconscious still hasn’t accepted the news. I feel so disconnected, like I’m pieces unable to find my way back together.
“And that’s pretty much everything,” the doctor concludes. “Do you have any questions?”
I shake my head, feeling dazed.
“Do you mind if I just sit here for another minute?” I ask desperately.
“Of course! Take your time, Emma. Whatever you need,” he says while looking at me with kind eyes.
“Thank you,” I manage to say before my voice becomes wobbly. My eyes burn, and I know I’m about to cry. Blinking, I force the tears away. Crying isn’t going to help this, and I don’t want the twins to see my tear-stained face.
Fuck, the twins.They are still waiting out there for me, which means I have to face them very soon. What the hell am I going to tell them? Earlier, I was planning my future with them, but now I might not have one at all.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I can’t tell them I might die soon… I can’t tell anyone. I can’t make the words leave my mouth. Because once they do, that would make it real. And it can’t be, not yet.I want to live, damnit.
Okay, I won’t tell them, but then what?I can’t act like everything is normal, either. I can’t let them get close. I can’t let them fall in love with me just to watch me die. I can’t believe I’m even using the wordloveto describe what is happening between us, but what else should I call it?
I swore to myself I’d not fall for them, but fuck me, it has happened, anyway. And now this?Fuck…
There is no other choice. I have to push them away. They can’t get any closer to me than they are already. I will let them take me home tonight, but after that, I have to avoid them at all costs.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Come on, you can do this.
“Thanks again,” I force out with a smile as I stand up.
“Of course,” Dr. Pearson says. “We’ll fight this together, Emma. You’re not alone in this.”
Then why do I feel so fucking alone right now?
I walk around the chair and to the door, feeling each step in my bones. I’m so tired already, but I push on. I make it out into the hallway, where I immediately see Easton and Preston waiting for me. They’re both casually leaning against the wall, looking at their phones until Easton catches sight of me. He elbows Preston in the arm to get his attention.
