Page 46 of Crash Landing
Saleuk cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable, which just made me equally uncomfortable.
“Did it just happen or did you meet someone since last year? I’m just curious,” I shrugged, trying my best to seem casual.
“It just happened,” he confessed. “And yes, it’s very significant.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t been more excited.”
“I’m excited and conflicted.”
I swallowed, acting oblivious. “Why would you be conflicted.”
“Because I surged withyou, Sam,” he said, making his words very clear.
Heat overtook me and I knew his superior eyesight could probably see me turning bright red in the face. Suddenly, a waterfall of nervous thoughts crashed into me and I remembered the fact that I was a virgin from a world where people didn’t touch. How the hell could I navigate anything physical with someone like Saleuk?
“We can’t… I mean,” I waved my hand between us, my voice low and sorrowful. “I can’t… with you. Right? It’s just…”
“I know,” he said, standing from the table. There was no anger or malice in his voice. Just simple acceptance and it killed me. “It’s why I didn’t tell you. With a surge, it’s usually two-sided, but if you haven’t felt anything, then it’s pretty telling. Our bodies make mistakes all the time.”
“You think it’s a mistake? After all this time not feeling your petal—”
“Paetal.”
“Whatever. You really think your body is wrong?”
I was squirming in my skin wondering what else to say. It absolutely was two-sided and it was killing me to act like it wasn’t because I was a chicken.
“I don’t know,” Saleuk sighed. “Valerians only started reacting to humans in that way since, well, since it happened to Vahko. There’s not much research on it.” He walked away a few paces as if trying to put distance between us and I felt like invisible hands were reaching desperately toward him to make him stay. “I’m going to get some air.”
“But it’s raining,” I said after him.
“Might be good for me.”
I watched him leave, my heart beating like a trapped animal trying to get free. I wondered if I should go after him. If I should tell him about the insistent throbbing between my legs. About how I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Or about the way my pulse felt like fire when I was around him. About how I could smell him before he entered a room and how the tone of his voice made my limbs melt.
“Fuck,” I hissed, scrubbing my hands over my face. “Fuck!”
I shot up from the table and walked briskly to the entrance. Stepping outside, I was immediately met with the chill of misty rain. Just ahead of me was Saleuk, pacing further away from the building.
“Saleuk!” I called after him.
He turned, finally letting the torment he was feeling affect his features. He looked exhausted and I could feel that exhaustion in my bones because it was the same for me. I ambled toward him, taking a deep breath to prepare for the confession I was about to make.
“I feel it, too,” I said.
“Don’t lie to me, Sam,” he said. “You couldn’t stand me last time we were together. This doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t make sense, but I’m not lying.” I dug my fingers into my hair, letting the emotions bubble up to the surface. “God, I’m really not lying. I’ve never been more honest.” I growled in frustration just thinking of everything I’d been feeling since we arrived on Phesah. “When I see you, I imagine you kissing me. When I watch you fix something, I want you to be touching me instead. My heart beats a million times a second every time you walk past me. It beats so hard I worry you’ll hear it and think I’m having a heart attack. For God’s sake, I can freaking smell you and you smell good. You smell like those little fruits you collect for me and rain and sometimes you smell like the dirt and flowers but it all smells so fucking good because it’s you.”
I stopped, realizing how much word vomit I’d just spewed. I probably looked and sounded crazy, especially drenched like a stray dog in the rain. I looked up at Saleuk and saw him just watching me, mouth slightly agape with surprise.
“But,” I continued. “I’m scared, ok? I’m terrified. I’m terrified you don’t feel the same way and I’m terrified that you do. I know a surge is just physical, but it doesn’t just feel physical and that’s bonkers.” I took a moment to process my next words before saying them.
“And, you see, I’m not… experienced. I know I talk about all the men I’ve been with, but it’s not like that. On Earth, there’s no touch. No intimacy. And I was a bit of a slut, ok, but I never… there was no contact. Nothing physical. It’s all simulations there. All virtual. All disconnected. Sure, I’ve done it a hundred times, but I’ve never doneitand certainly never with someone I…” I stopped again, locking eyes with him. “Someone I cared about. I’ve neverbeenwith someone. Not for real. Not ever. And I’m not saying that this guarantees you want to screw my brains out, but the thought is there. It's never been there before. I’ve never really considered myself being with a guy that way and I swear toGod if you don’t shut me up, I’m going to keep making this more awkward for the both of us.”
He just kept looking at me and I was suddenly very aware of how much I’d just confessed. I was mortified at how I’d just opened up and also proud of myself for doing it. Keeping it all in was eating me alive. Not just in that moment, but my whole life. Although, I wasn’t sure exactly how wise it was to go as far as I did.
“Sam,” Saleuk said. “I…”
