Page 41 of Blue Embers
“I was coming back down,” Killian said, holding up a book that was in his hand. “I was just retrieving a book that might help the situation.”
“Oh,” I nodded.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say and stood there, quiet and making things uncomfortable for myself. Killian watched me for a moment until it seemed that something clicked. Subtly, his demeanor changed. He scanned every inch of me before turning and placing the book gently on the nightstand beside the bed. His eyes met mine again and he pivoted in my direction, walking slowly toward me. His eyes were piercing like he could see what was inside my head the same way a telepath could. I grew nervous. No, I was growing anxious. I was growing restless, yearning for his touch like it would take away the sting of loss. The sorrow and grief. The pain and fear. The guilt and regret.
As Killian neared, I could feel my pulse beginning to race. Did he know what I wanted? Was he judging me for it? I hoped he wasn’t because I was doing plenty of judging for both of us. In fact, when he was within arm's reach, I felt a need to back out.
I turned, planning to retreat so I could come to my senses, when Killian’s arm rose up beside me and held the door closed, just like the first time I tried to bolt. I wasn’t startled as much as I was cursing myself for not being faster. He knewexactlywhat I was aching for. He was used to women wanting him. I despised that I was putting myself in that generic category, but there was no denying that Killian’s presence was very good at making the rest of the world disappear. Gradually, I turned back around, ashamed and desperate at the same time.
I found myself with my back against the door, Killian’s arm was extended beside my waist and braced against the handle. His eyes bore down on me, the light from outside hitting the side of his face in a way that made him almost angelic.
Dammit. If I thought I was having trouble keeping his naked body out of my thoughts before, it was because I was unaware how much harder it could get. I could smell his spicy scents. I could feel the heat of his breath. Of his body. I was aching to feel him inside me again, now more than ever. I suspected he understood that. He looked at me like he was reading a page in a book. Like he was studying my body to confirm his suspicions.
My heart was thrumming. In my core, I was hot and thirsting for his touch. My breath quivered from my lungs and all I wished was for him to touch me because I knew that as soon as he did, that would be the only thing on my mind. None of the insanity from the past few days would be there. It would be just him. Just me. Just the raw, thoughtless experience.
I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek and that was all I needed to push me over the edge. Killian’s eyes fell toward it and, desperate not to let it become a topic of conversation, I raised myself on my toes, wrapped my fingers around the back of his neck, and stretched to meet his lips. He showed no resistance when our mouths met. Instead, I felt his hands immediately surround my waist, pulling my body firmly to his. His heat fed into me like electric energy, awakening the nerves all over my skin and deep inside my center. I throbbed to feel the pleasure of his touch and kissed him deeper, plunging my tongue into his mouth. Killian coiled me firmly in his arms, caging me against him.
Reality embedded itself in my head when I felt Killian’s eager erection press against me. Here we were again, caught in an intimate situation on a whim and here I was, once more being the one to initiate it. Perhaps I was much weaker than I thought. I found myself leaning on Killian in ways he didn’t deserve and it killed me to try and talk myself out of doing it only to fail time and time again.
I kept kissing him, my hands moving down his chest and to the hem of his shirt. As my fingertips slipped beneath the cotton fabric, the feel of his hot skin against mine woke parts of me that only he could rouse. It was as if someone had popped a caffeine pill into my bloodstream. My heart jumped, jolted by the energy that passed through that small bit of contact. I pulled away as if someone had clapped in my ear and looked at him, catching my breath.
Killian’s eyes were glowing with life when he opened them. Gods, he was beautiful. I’d been with plenty of men in my years, casually and not so casually. I knew the difference between lust and affection. This, however, was starting to blur that line. Worried, I started to second guess myself. Maybe using him as a way to avoid my emotions was only going to hurt me in the long run.
As I contemplated every little detail of the situation, it was obvious that Killian could feel my brain clenching with indecision. I didn’t want him to know exactly what I was thinking. His reputation repelled serious relationships with women and if he knew that I was having more serious thoughts, he’d never look at me the same. Maybe he wouldn’t look at me at all. I needed a way out, but not completely. I just needed a better way to disconnect. A way to make things...meaningless.
Reaching down, I began to unbuckle Killian’s pants, my body throbbing to feel him. Killian leaned in, kissing my neck, his hot breath caressing me just right. I moaned, reaching down into his jeans to feel his stone-hard cock in my hand. He braced his hands on the door on either side of me, his mouth moving up toward my ear as he exhaled. Fuck, it was hard not to feel out of control around him.
I stroked him a few times, feeling him quiver in my palm before I started to unbutton my own pants. Killian pulled up my shirt, feeling my bare waist against his fingers. He moved as if to lead me to the bed and that’s the point when things became too muddy in my head to interpret and if I couldn’t interpret my own thoughts, I couldn’t act on them. I couldn’t go to bed with him. Not without wanting more than a few spontaneous fucks here and there.
I tugged against Killian’s grip and slipped my hand over my mouth. This wasn’t me, dammit. I was ignoring my problems and my true emotions and it wasn’t right.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I can’t.”
Killian took a deep breath, raising his chin. He was uncomfortable, forced to neglect an arousal I’d started. I pressed my hands over my face to conceal a look of shame and then rubbed my expression clean, looking up at him.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated.
Killian, one hand pressed against the wall beside my head, cleared his throat.
“Don’t apologize, love,” he said. “Just give me a moment to think of something disgusting.”
I pressed my lips together, embarrassed, and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting. When Killian finally stood up straight with a relaxed sigh, he tossed me a carefree smirk and brushed a hand back over his head to straighten his hair.
“Well,” he said. “Shall we?”
18
Killian
. . .
“I really am sorry,” Persephone repeated.
“Don’t be,” I said. “You’re in pain. Pleasure is pain’s opposite. It’s natural to seek it out.”
“But I shouldn’t be looking for it like this.”
“Sex is the body’s greatest pleasure. Where else would you find it so easily?”
