Page 60 of The Heart We Guard
I reject the notion that I’m good. Even as I worry that she didn’t answer me about if an abortion is what she really wanted.
With my hand on her hip, I turn Greer over, then tug her to me, her back firmly against my chest. Then, I place my palm on her flat stomach and rub in gentle circles.
“You know, I think there’s something bigger than the two of us that wants us to be together,” I say against her ear, then place a chaste kiss at the base of her neck.
She wiggles against me like it tickles her, and my lips curve into a smile against her skin. “Are you talking about Fate?”
“Who knows. But don’t you feel it, Greer? An invisible thread, pulling us to each other so we can have moments like this when the pieces fit like valves and pistons. I hear what you’re saying about the world. Haven’t paid enough attention to it in the past like I should have done. But I’ll make sure I insulate the two of you from the dangers and inequalities of it as much as I can.”
“And if it’s a boy, will you expect him to become a biker? Because I lost Eli to this life. I can’t lose my son too.”
I’m glad it’s dark, because without the light on me, I feel like I can admit the things that have been on my mind. “I’m not sure I want to lose a son to this life either. My daughter is engaged to Atom, my enforcer. He’ll be my son-in-law, already in the life. I’d be happy enough if my son stayed away.”
“And what about you?” Greer’s voice is quiet.
“I’m working on how I feel about that. Might take some time.”
Greer nods, then curls up on my bicep, closing her eyes. “I can imagine it’s hard to leave.”
I kiss her temple. “It’s impossible to fully leave. It’s a life commitment you make when you join. But you can be less active.”
“Maybe you’d have time to go back to school as an architect.” Her voice is sleepy.
“Maybe.”
I close my eyes and simply enjoy the feeling of being with her. With them.
“Greer?”
“Yeah.”
“You changed me. For good. Made me think about things I never knew I wanted. Made me realize that while most of the twists and turns in my life have been good, some haven’t. I’m not a man predisposed to romantic words and notions, but I don’t think I’ll ever add up to any more than I already am if you don’t do this with me. I’m not one to beg, but please, consider staying with me for three months. Let me be a part of your pregnancy for a little while. I don’t want you to be another thing I regret.”
“Okay,” she says quietly. “But there will be rules.”
My stomach flips with nervousness and excitement and relief. “I’m sure there will.”
Her lips curve into a smile against my bicep. “We’ll discuss them in the morning.”
I kiss her temple again. “Good night, Greer.”
“‘Night, Nolan,” she mumbles.
And we both fall asleep in each other’s arms.
18
GREER
Sometimes my analytical mind won’t switch off.
In my brain, I think it should be easy, defining your sexuality.
In my body and the deepest reaches of my soul, I know it’s anything but.
Even asexuality has its own nuanced variants. There’s asexuality with little to no sexual attraction to others. Demi-sexuals who experience sexual attraction after forming strong emotional connections. And even gray-asexuals who experience it occasionally, neither in a purely asexual or allosexual way.
For the longest time, I thought I was simply asexual.
