Page 47 of The Heart We Guard
“The feeling’s mutual,” I reply.
I lead us out into the lot, where the others are waiting. Atom and Catfish are standing watch on either side of the alley with Taco and some of the prospects.
“What’s the deal?” Atom asks.
“No business out here. We’ll discuss it when we get back to church.”
“But we’re going to dosomething, right?” Grudge asks.
“Not. Fucking. Now,” I say. The final word comes out angrier than I anticipated. “For fuck’s sake. Let’s keep conversations like this where they need to be. Pick two prospects to stay behind for security and get on your bikes.”
“You doing okay, Prez?” Smoke asks quietly, stepping up behind me. “Saw you dancing on your bike a little on the way in.”
Dancingis his way of saying he saw me fidget, that I wasn’t steady, that my wheel wobbled more than one time.
But Smoke also has had his own demons, working through recent injuries. Burns to his ribs. So, I’m honest.
“Didn’t realize how much torque the bike puts your abdomen through.”
Smoke nods; there’s sympathy in his eyes. “You wanna make an excuse? Some last-minute club business to see to here so you and I can drop back and ride home slow?”
It’s a tempting idea, but what kind of president would I be if I let a little discomfort stop me from leading my club out? “Nah. I got it. But thanks.”
“Also saw you noticed the white hair,” he says.
I turn to face him. “What if I did?”
Smoke shrugs. “I don’t know, Prez. But if she meant something to you…made you happy…that might be something worth chasing.”
14
GREER
The highway becomes minor roads becomes lanes. As the roads get narrower, the fields grow more expansive. I open the window a crack, and let the mid-October air flood in.
Soon, it will be Thanksgiving, then Christmas.
Then, it will be the year I give birth to a baby.
Alone.
I place my hand on my flat stomach, even as I bank down the knowledge I’ll be doing it without Butcher, and that hurts.
If you’d asked me at the start of the year how I would be ending it, it would be a study in opposites.
I’d be positioning myself to become department head. I’m now unemployed.
I’d be in a relationship. I’m most definitely single.
I’d be child free. I touch my bump again.
And I’d have a plan for the next ten years. Which is now lying in a heap of ashes because of one night. I’m leaving a house I’d fallen in love with. And Esme, who I love even more. But for the safety of the two of us, I need to go.
I can’t blame Butcher for ruining my career. I did that myself by ignoring ridiculous protocols that keep healthcare access from those who most need it. But the getting pregnant part?
I shake my head.
Stupid condoms.
