Page 43 of The Heart We Guard
But mine?
Jesus.
In those four minutes, my thoughts raged, one battering into the other. One telling me I should abort. Another telling me I know what it feels like to be born into a family thatwas so financially restricted, that they dumped me into care as an unwanted burden. That my parents were determined to do their bit to replenish the human race, but objected to the inconvenience of it. I knew how it felt, to be passed from pillar to post without anything solid to hold on to.
But a third thought tells me that I’ll finally have someone to love and someone who will love me just because I exist, not because of what I can do.
I had no idea it was possible to think so many thoughts at once.
But it consolidated something I was considering since Gulch and his men had appeared at my home. If I wanted a different kind of life, I couldn’t find it by staying in place. Especially not when the Midtown Rebels Motorcycle Club kept doing drive-bys of my home to simply remind me they existed.
But for Wade, I simplify. “That’s what it took to get through it.” I sigh. “I really don’t want to be a burden. Neither of us has been around babies much, and I would imagine the crying gets old really fast.”
As if punctuating my point, the baby at the table next to us starts crying, and the woman it’s with grabs it from its stroller before standing to bob up and down on the spot to soothe it.
I put my head in my hands. “I’m not equipped for this.”
“Are we talking biologically? Because you went to med school, G. I’m sure you know better than most just how equipped you actually are.”
“Funny. You know what I mean.”
Wade finishes his coffee, and like the bro he pretends he is, he makes like he’s shooting the final three-pointer for a buzzer beater and flips his cup into the garbage can. “He shoots; he scores.” It’s followed by some pretend fake cheering.
“Yeah. You really nailed that,” I say sarcastically.
“Hey, grumpy pants. Listen. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. And I know a few things to be true: When you finally hone in on what it is you want to do, you’ll be an unstoppable force of nature. The reason this all feels so weird is because you haven’t fully committed. Come stay with me. Call it a break. Vegas is hot and sunny. My yard is nice, and the pool is nicer. Stay for a week, stay for a year. I don’t care. But I know you. It will come to you, exactly what you want to do, and then you won’t be able to get it done fast enough. If you decide you’re going back to work, you’ll have a detailed regimen for interviewing and hiring a nanny or nannies or a day care. If you decide you’re staying hereorin Vegas, you’ll have a new house purchased within the week. It’s a lot, and it’s all difficult because it’s new. And you don’t do great with change. But youwilleventually commit. I know it.”
My heart takes a beat, then slows before it takes another. “This is why you’re my best friend.”
He reaches forward and takes my hand, squeezing it gently. “I don’t want to bring up the father, but I’m a nosy bastard who can’t help himself. He must have meant something if you slept with him.”
Wade knows I consider myself asexual. After all, we’ve lived with each other for years in apartments with flimsy walls. And while I know he gets more than his fair share of sexual partners due to his looks, they rarely stick around because, while he’s my dearest friend, I know he’s an aromantic allosexual who simply doesn’t experience romantic love the same way others do.
His mom thinks we should get married and just ride out our friendship together until the end of our lives.
“It’s a complicated story. But when what we had ended, he left without a word.”
Wade winces. “That sounds like the kind of shit I do.”
I shake my head. “Then, let this be a lesson to you that you should change your ways, because I’m your Ghost of Christmas Past, here to show you the trail of damage you’ve left behind.”
Wade rolls his eyes. “Where is he now?”
“I know roughly where he is, so before I fly to Vegas, I’m going to go see him. Tell him. He has a right to know.”
“You want me to stay and go with you? I know I flew out for the conference, but I could see about changing my flight to the day after tomorrow. It would mean pushing back a few surgeries.”
I shake my head. “No. Don’t do that.” It takes a lot to build up for a surgery. People will already be doing what they have to do to be ready for it. “I’ll be fine. It’s only a short drive to where he is.”
“You liked this guy, then?”
I’ve debated for a while what my relationship with Butcher is. Do I like him? Do I approve of him? Could I catch feelings for a man like that? Would Eli approve of him as a person? Why on earth would I want to associate myself with an organization like his?
“Do we have to do the feelings chat?”
“I think the fact you can’t or won’t do the feelings chat suggests the very reason weshoulddo the feelings chat. I’m worried about you, Greer. I just want you to be happy.”
“Happiness, right now, looks like sunshine and too much ice cream.”
