Page 117 of Heart of the High King
“No, not at all. It was after when we’d go to trade our goods when it started. I’d panic. At first it was to the reaction I’d get but it went further, and I would feel trapped, like there was no escape. Sometimes I would stand there paralyzed by fear, trembling and ready to throw up. It took my family’s patience and persistence to calm me enough to be able to move again.”
“I’m sorry, that sucks. You’ve heard of agoraphobia before?”
“Yeah. It’s often hard to admit when you have a disorder and, I think, for me there’s some shame involved. Here I am…the only High King, and I can barely stand leaving my land.”
“Your title doesn’t have shit to do with it. It’s not your fault, Sander. It is what it is, and I don’t think any less of you because of it. I don’t give a shit if we never leave D’Vaire.”
“Oh come on, you’re High King now. Don’t you want to live it up with swank parties?”
Rafe rolled his eyes. “Do I honestly look like I give a shit about parties?”
“The right ones can be fun.”
“Well, good news. You got a big damn house. We can throw parties here for the people you love. I’m sure you’ll enjoy every second.”
“Wehave a big house. How many times do I need to remind you of our shared title?”
“Okay, let’s be realistic. I’ve barely wrapped my head around the fact that I’m even lying here talking to you like this, with my only supposed physical issue being swelling that’s going to go away in a couple of days. Expecting me to accept that I now share the second-highest title in dragonkind is just unrealistic. Seriously, think of how long it took me to figure out I was gay after I met you. I’m a slow thinker.”
“Are you okay with your sexuality now?”
“You know the truth? I wasn’t confused because I was gay. All my life, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I would look at people and think that they were attractive, but I had no desire to go to bed with them. My brother used to call me a prude and poked fun at me because I had no interest in sex. Growing up around a bunch of fucking homophobes had me assuming I was straight but just hadn’t met the right woman.”
“You weren’t attracted to anyone?”
“Nope, but I had a sex drive. I’d jerk off regularly, so I couldn’t figure out how my brain couldn’t translate that lust into doing it with another person. Even when I met you, I didn’t immediately think I wanted to go to bed with you. Which made me even more confused since you’re my mate. Why didn’t I want to finally lose my virginity with the person Fate picked out for me?”
Aleksander reached and laid his hand over Rafe’s. “You never told me that. We’ve kissed and stuff. Does that make you uncomfortable?”
“No, because as I got to know you, I was interested in doing those things. It wasn’t until we got to be friends that it started to change. At first it was in dreams—then it translated into wanting to push things further. Only we never got the chance because we were hardly together, and by the time I was finally ready to go past kisses, I was at the mercy of my family.”
“Are you familiar with the term ‘demisexual’?”
Rafe shook his head. “No.”
“So, part of becoming a sanctuary was learning as much as we could about the beautiful differences that exist in people. Sexuality was once thought to be this very black-and-white thing. You were either gay or straight. If you didn’t fall into either of those categories, people thought you were confused or some other stupid explanation, but the reality is, we’re not that simple. Every day we’re discovering new terms to describe things about ourselves that have existed since the dawn of humans and those of us blessed by Fate. There’s a spectrum of asexuality, and demi falls right in the middle. People who are demisexual require an emotional connection before they experience sexual attraction to someone.”
Rafe’s scowl was more confused than Aleksander had probably ever seen him. “You mean there are other people like this? I just always figured something in my brain wasn’t right, and I was grateful that you finally fixed that when I was interested in kissing and everything else.”
Aleksander brought their mouths together tenderly. “Nope, you’re not broken. You’re just you and completely normal. We can look some stuff up; it might help you understand it a little better and allow you to decide if that’s indeed who you are.”
“Every time I think I’ve got part of myself, or my life, figured out, I learn something new that blows my mind,” Rafe muttered. “I wanted to be close to you right from the beginning, but I yearned to talk and get to know you. I loved it when we got to be friends, and that bond still means the world to me. I considered it my proudest achievement as I know now it’s the only true relationship I’ve had. Everyone else around me is a fucking liar.”
“Our friendship is going to be the center of our lives, Rafe.”
Rafe closed his eyes. “Yeah, this whole being with you thing is still surreal.”
There was a knock on the door, and Aleksander rose to get it. “Hey, Squirt, you shouldn’t be here. There are Cwylld rocks out everywhere,” he told Dra’Kaedan, who was standing there with Brogan.
The Grand Warlock was unmoved and skirted around him with a plate in his hands. “I brought Rafe cake and ice cream. I won’t stay. No worries, Tallosaur.”
“Where’s mine?” Aleksander asked Brogan, who handed him a bowl of ice cream with no cake.
“Dra’Kaedan ate the rest,” Brogan explained.
“Thanks,” Rafe told Dra’Kaedan, digging into his desert.
“How are you feeling?” Dra’Kaedan asked.
