Page 73 of Choosing Forever
The crack that moves through her is almost audible as she pushes away from the table and as far into her chair as possible. Her face crumbles, eyes falling to her lap instead of where she’s held my stare for the last half hour.
“I’d have noticed,” she starts, teeth sinking into her lip repeatedly before she finally releases it. “Would you think I was making excuses if I said that I was trying to protect my brother’s feelings? In hindsight, I know that isn’t enough. Not when you and I were as close as we were. Your feelings should have mattered as much as his did. And they did—please believe me. I just . . . he’s my brother.”
My hand shoots across the table before my brain catches up. I lay it palm up in front of her and focus on keeping my expression clear, open.
“It’s okay. I knew when I flew back to school that night that the odds of losing you were high. It’s what I expected because of how close you two were. I’ve never resented you for that.”
“You should have. Abandoning you wasn’t right. You were so far away, all alone, and I should have been there for you.”
“Hey, you’re here now,” I say.
She cracks a smile at that, some light returning to her face. “I am. To stay. Even if my brother shows his ass again and doesn’t do what he’s supposed to, I’ll be here. That’s a promise.”
“Alright, Pops. I’d really like that.”
Her hand clutches mine. “Sisters, Della. With or without my brother.”
It sounds perfect. I’d be an idiot not to take the declaration seriously. Yet, I can’t believe it just yet. Not so quickly.
With her hand in mine, I take in a slow breath and then say, “Do you believe in second chances, Poppy?”
“Yes,” she answers without even half a second of hesitation.
“I want to.”
“But you don’t yet.”
“I just don’t know if it’s possible to get over what happened completely. Everything is so different now compared to then. We’re not the same people, and there’s a part of me that knows that what happened won’t repeat itself. We’re too grown now to repeat the same mistakes, but there’s still that wiggle of doubt. And fear too. I mean, he has a daughter, Poppy. And an ex-wife. Darren and I can become friends again, sure, but what about his family? I can’t pretend they don’t exist, and I don’t want to. It’s just that I don’t know if I can handle that hurt,” I ramble, clinging to her tighter. “And friends? Shit, how am I supposed to be friends with him after?—”
“After you were in love? The kind of love that others yearn for their whole lives?” she asks, sighing knowingly. “I don’t know. Is that all you want to be? Friends? Is that the line you’re drawing between the two of you? Because if it is, then Sasha doesn’t matter. She’ll have no involvement in your friendship. And Abbie loves everyone she meets. You’re already in her life because of your teacher status, so being friends with her father won’t bother her. Unless that’s not what you’re worried about. Is it?”
It’s not. The real reason is worse than that. It’s selfish and cruel, and I’m ashamed of ever thinking it. Of ever wishing Abbie were mine instead. That I’d been the one to bring Darren’s baby girl into the world. Our world.
The thought has kept me up into the night too many times. I’ve cried a million tears into the drain of my shower, reminiscing about a life that I’ll never have until finally, I moved on, and I could see the sweet girl in public without drowning in pain. Or I thought I’d gotten over it. I went out on dates, and let other men replace the image of him in my mind for sometimes a few months at a time. Only they never lasted. We weren’t compatible, and I never saw a future past a few months.
“Shit, Poppy. I don’t know. I’ve avoided thinking about that for way too long. The possibility of ever being more than friendswith him died the day I came back home. I’ve spent years working to kick him from my heart, and all it takes is one damn day to throw me back into the mess I was. What am I supposed to take from that?”
“I think you already know what you’re supposed to take from that. How was it when you were together? Did it feel good at all?”
I reach for my coffee and take a long swig of it. “I missed him. Being so close to him but having to keep a distance was overwhelming. He left an imprint on me that won’t ever leave.”
“Are you going to do it again?”
“Eat with him in his car?” I ask, sounding far more at ease than I am on the inside.
“Sure. Or, you know, going out with him to do something that doesn’t involve you hunkering down in his car and talking about all of the miserable moments in your lives.”
“I agreed to another meeting. Only one for now.”
Poppy’s eyes bulge. She reaches for her drink and pounds it back before slowly setting it back down and clearing her throat. When she speaks, it’s with an overly calm tone that draws a laugh up my throat.
“That sounds promising.”
“Yeah, I can tell that’s what you took from what I said,” I joke.
She huffs and releases my hand long enough to wiggle a finger at me across the table. “Don’t pretend like this isn’t a big deal to you too. You’re willing to go out with himagain. That’s huge.”
“We haven’t decided on anything yet. If Darren had it his way, he’d make it another date.”
