Page 58 of Hold Me Closer
"I just want to sing, Teo," she says sadly. "I don't w-want to spend the rest of m-my life remembering the saddest parts of it. But this feels w-wrong. You can't give up football to protect me. It's not f-fair to you."
"I didn't just do it to protect you, butterfly. I did it for me, too."
She blinks at me.
"Every time I'm on the field, I remember the saddest parts of my life, too. They use that shit to hit at me, to try to get a reaction out of me," I explain. "That won't ever stop, Nadia. It's part of the game. I've spent my career raging against it. Fucking hating it. But I've gone back out there every week and done it anyway because I liked the pain. This shit is punishment, butterfly. It's been punishment for years."
"Teo," she whispers, her bottom lip quivering.
"I broke your fucking heart. It's what I thought I deserved. To be punished. To keep hurting myself for it. All the shit I do…everything I've done…I've been trying for years to punish myself for hurting you, but it never changed a goddamn thing, butterfly. It didn't unbreak your heart. It didn't unbreak mine." I exhale a breath. "It's time to let it go."
"W-what are you saying?"
"Emelia is releasing a statement in the morning—another statement," I amend. "I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, but I'm something, butterfly. After I found out last night, I went to a bar. I intended to drink myself stupid and tear the place apart. It's what I always do when shit gets hard, drink or fight." I swallow, the pain in her eyes killing me. "You stopped me."
She stares at me, not speaking.
"I don't want to be that man anymore. You deserve better than that man." I cup her cheek, wiping away more tears. "So do I, Nadia. And I can't be him if I'm on that fucking field every week, listening to the same shit, seeking the same punishment. I can't do it if I don't ask for a little help. So I'm asking. We're telling the world I retired to seek treatment. It's what I need, and it's a big part of the truth."
"Teo, you d-don't owe me that," she whispers, shaking her head. "You don't have to destroy your reputation to try to bury my truth. That isn't right."
"Baby, I destroyed my reputation a long time ago. This is me finally doing something to fix it. It's not wrong to admit you need help. It's wrong to know you need help and refuse to seek it." I brush my lips across her forehead, breathing her in. "I can't be that man, butterfly. You deserve better. I didn't give you better once. It broke us both. I'm not making that mistake with you again. If this puts the focus on me and my shit instead of something you never wanted to share, I can accept that."
She sobs quietly, wordlessly, pressing herself closer to me.
"It's okay, butterfly. This is exactly what I want."
"I s-should have told you."
"You don't owe me answers either, Nadia."
"Yes, I do!" she cries, her eyes wide and distressed. "I w-wanted to tell you, Teo. I meant to tell you. I was so angry for a long time because you weren't there. I thought you didn't care. And then you came back into my life, and I realized that I had itall wrong. You weren't there because you didn't even know. No one told you."
"I should have known," I whisper regretfully. "It fucking kills me that I didn't, butterfly. You needed me."
"Please, don't," she pleads. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to blame yourself. I'm tired of the past eclipsing the future. I'm tired of us hurting over things we c-can't change. It wasn't your f-fault, Teo."
"Can I…" I swallow hard. "Can I ask about it, butterfly?"
"My whole life, I had you and my dad protecting me," she whispers. "And then this really awful thing happened, and no one could protect me from it. I didn't know how to handle it, Teo. I knew things were getting bad, but I didn't know what to do or how to ask for help. I felt like I was frozen. So I took sleeping medication at night. I bought anxiety pills from a classmate to make it through the day. I pretended I was fine." She exhales a shaking breath. "I was supposed to be leaving for college, and I was so fucking scared. My mom caught me taking medication so I could force myself to get in the car one day…and I just cracked. I told her and Dad everything."
"Jesus, butterfly," I whisper, holding her tightly as my fucking chest burns.
"I should have told them long before it got to that point, but I didn't know how," she says, laying her head against my shoulder. "They got me into treatment to help me deal with the PTSD and find a new normal without self-medicating." She sighs softly. "When I got out, my dad sat me down with my songbook and told me to chase my dreams. So I told him that I wasn't going to college. They freaked out a little when I moved out, but I had to learn to be okay by myself." She exhales softly. "And I had to do it away from memories of you."
I swallow, my throat burning. "You relapsed when I was drafted?"
"No." She lifts her head, looking at me. "It wasn't like that, Teo. I was in a minor accident right before you were drafted. Honestly, this one was just a fender bender, but between it and seeing your face everywhere again, I felt…stretched thin again. I was having horrible nightmares about the other accident and the hospital. I knew how bad it could get, so I decided to check myself in to get help before I spiraled out of control." She places her hand on my cheek, meeting my gaze. "I hated myself for a long time for pushing you away, and seeing your face everywhere again made me realize I wasn't dealing with it as well as I'd been pretending I was. But itwasn'tyour fault, Teo. I never once felt that way."
I jerk my chin in a nod. "I fucking hate that I wasn't there, Nadia. I hate that I didn't know. I'm so goddamn sorry, butterfly."
"Me too," she admits. "But I didn't call you, either, Teo. We both messed up. We were both messed up. We broke it together."
"We're doing this shit right this time," I vow.
"That's what I want." Her eyes burn with hope that makes my fucking chest ache. "I want it so damn bad."
"Then we'll make it happen, baby. It's always been us against the world," I remind her, brushing my lips against hers. "We can't undo the past, but starting right here, right now, we can promise that we'll communicate. We'll handle shit differently. I won't make choices for you. You'll tell me when you need help. I'll get help with my shit. We make decisions together."
