Page 41 of Sins of the Flesh
Twenty-One
Caleb
Shake it Out - Florence + The Machine
T
he festive Christmas decorations lining the streets of Baylee as I drive home from a visit with a parishioner feel oddly out of sync with the turmoil in my heart.Twinkling lights and cheerful Santas mock the heaviness I feel, knowing the conversation that awaits me at home.
I tried to wait for the holidays to pass but the guilt of pretending everything is the same as always is killing me.So it has to be today, Christmas Eve.
I pull into our driveway, my hands shaking slightly as I turn off the engine.The house is lit up warmly, our own Christmas lights twinkling merrily.For a moment, I sit in the darkness of the car, gathering my courage.
The weight of my confession presses down on me.How do I tell my wife of 20 years that I'm gay?That I have feelings for a man half my age?The thought of hurting Ally makes my stomach cramp.But I can't keep living a lie.It's not fair to her, to me, or to Cole.Taking a deep breath, I step out of the car and walk to the front door.
The smell of cinnamon and pine greets me as I enter, Ally must be baking Christmas cookies."Is that you, honey?"She calls from the kitchen.
"Yeah, it's me," I call back, my voice cracking slightly.I hang up my coat and walk towards the kitchen, my heart pounding.
Ally stands at the counter, long brown hair tied into a messy bun, with an apron on that reads, “cookie murderer” with a picture of a cookie with a bite taken out of it.
Flour dusts her cheeks as she rolls out cookie dough.She looks up and smiles, but her expression falters when she sees my face."Caleb?What's wrong?"I swallow hard.
"Ally, we need to talk.Can you...can you sit down for a minute?"
She wipes her hands on her apron, brow furrowed with concern."Of course."We settle at the kitchen table, the cheerful holiday decorations a stark contrast to the tension between us.I clasp my trembling hands together on the table, unable to meet her eyes.
“Caleb?”Ally stops me with a hand on mine.“May I go first?”I nod, Ally takes a deep breath, her eyes glistening with unshed tears."I've been wanting to talk to you too, Caleb.I...I have been unfaithful."
My head snaps up in shock.Of all the things I expected her to say, this isn't one of them.She continues, her voice quavering, "It's been going on for about a year now, with John.John Miller, from the hardware store."
I sit there, stunned into silence.John Miller?A jovial, barrel-chested man with a booming laugh.I've always liked him."I'm so sorry, Caleb," Ally whispers, a tear finally escaping and trailing down her cheek."I never meant for it to happen.We were just talking one day, and then..."She trails off, shaking her head, her hands covering her face.
The irony of the situation hits me like a punch to the gut.I let out a strangled laugh, causing Ally to put her hands down looking at me with confusion and concern."Oh, Ally," I say, my own eyes welling up."I...I have a confession too."I take a deep breath, steeling myself."I'm gay, and I have feelings for Cole."
Ally's eyes widen, her mouth falling open in shock.For a long moment, we just stare at each other, the weight of our mutual confessions hanging heavy in the air between us.Then, to my utter amazement, Ally starts to laugh.It begins as a small chuckle, then grows into full-blown laughter.Tears stream down her face, but I can't tell if they're from her laughter or sorrow.Perhaps both.
"Oh, Caleb," she gasps between fits of laughter."We're quite the pair, aren't we?"I break down and join in, the absurdity of the situation finally hitting me.Here we are, on Christmas Eve, confessing our affairs to each other.The laughter feels cathartic, releasing some of the tension that's been building for months.
As our laughter subsides, Ally reaches across the table and takes my hand."I had a feeling," she says softly."About you being gay, I mean.Not about Cole specifically."We sit in silence for a moment.Then Ally squeezes my hand."Thank you for telling me," she says."I know that couldn't have been easy."
I squeeze her hand, overwhelmed by her understanding."I didn't know myself, until recently," I admit."It's been...confusing.And terrifying."Ally nods, her eyes full of compassion.
"So, What do we do now?"I ask.Ally takes a deep breath."Well," She says, her voice soft but steady, "I suppose we need to figure out what this means for us.For our marriage."
I nod, my throat tight."I love you, Ally.You know that, right?You've been my best friend for most of my life."She smiles, though her eyes are sad.
"I love you too, Caleb.That's never been in question."
We sit in silence for a moment, the weight of two decades together hanging between us.The timer on the oven dings, startling us both.Ally stands to go remove the cookies from the oven, the familiar domesticity of the action a stark contrast to our conversation.
She returns to the table and takes her seat, her face is set with determination."I think we both know we can't continue like this," She says gently."It's not fair to either of us."
I nod, feeling a mixture of relief and sadness wash over me."You're right," I say softly."We can't keep pretending."Ally reaches out and takes my hand again.
"But Caleb, I want you to know something.This doesn't change how much I care about you.You're still my best friend, the father of my children.That won't ever change."Her words bring fresh tears to my eyes.
"Thank you," I whisper."I feel the same way about you."
