Page 90 of Sins of the Flesh
I take the card, oddly touched by this stranger's kindness."I appreciate that."
As I walk toward my car, the evening air feels cleaner somehow, as if the simple act of sharing, even the little I did, has cleared something in me.I slide into the driver's seat but don't start the engine right away, letting the weight of the meeting settle over me.
The following week I’m in my home office as I click the meeting link for my first meeting with my therapist.When Mr.Conning comes onto the screen he is smiling a gentle welcoming smile.He appears to be late 40’s early 50’s with black hair styled neatly and a crisp white shirt buttoned to his neck.
“You must be Caleb.”He intones with a deep baritone.
“That's me.”I say nervously.Yes he's welcoming but I have no idea what to expect here.
"Well, Caleb, I appreciate you taking this step.It's not easy for anyone, but I imagine it's particularly challenging in your position."
I freeze momentarily."My position?"
"As a priest," he says, his expression unreadable."You mentioned it in your intake form."
"Right.Of course."My shoulders relax slightly."I'm just not used to...this."I gesture vaguely at the screen between us.
"Therapy?"Joseph smiles."Or technology?"
"Both, actually."I attempt a laugh that comes out more like a cough.
Joseph nods, making a small note."Why don't we start with what brought you here today?In your own words."
I take a deep breath.“I’ll be honest, I don’t really know where to start.”I chuckle nervously.
“How about the beginning, that's usually where I start.”He smiles encouragingly.
“Okay..my parents were pretty emotionally distant.My father controlled everything about my life from the clothes I wore, to who I married.”The doctor quirks a brow.“Then Cole came to work for me…” I trail off the knot in my throat choking me.
"Cole," Joseph repeats softly, giving me space to continue."And who is Cole to you, Caleb?"
My palms are suddenly sweaty.I wipe them on my pants, buying time.How do I explain Cole?“He-he’s the only person in my life who ever truly saw me and the only choice I ever willingly made…”
Fifty-Two
Caleb
8 months later
Fight Song - Rachel Platten
T
he first few sessions with Dr.Conning were grueling.After that first session, Joseph let the topic of Cole rest while we focused on my upbringing which much to my surprise was actually considered abuse.It’s strange to think that I was a victim and what I went through wasn’t normal from a strict parent.
Being held back from being a kid so I could be groomed into the perfect Priest was in his words a form of ‘imprisonment.’Once we breached that wall everything tumbled out about my Father and my upbringing and the way it affected my sense of self..I have lived so many years of my life with a sense of guilt and inadequacy that for awhile I was uncomfortable living without it.
"Are you ready to tell me more about Cole?"Dr.Conning asks during our tenth session.
I freeze, my heart clenching at the mere mention of his name.I haven’t said it in months."I...I can't," I stammer.
"It's okay, Caleb.Take your time."I close my eyes, willing the tears not to fall.
"He was...everything.And now he's gone."We delve into my feelings for Cole, the guilt, the longing, the fear.It's excruciating, but necessary.With each session after that he gets a little more out of me and I feel myself growing stronger, more capable of facing the pain head-on.
The AA meetings have become a lifeline, a place where I can be honest about my struggles without judgment.I have formed tentative friendships with a few of the other members including Stan.
At church, I have thrown myself into my work with renewed vigor.I started a youth group, organized a few community outreach programs.The excitement of the congregation matches my own.
