Page 85 of Sins of the Flesh
That?Thats nothing
Me:
Doesnt look like nothing.I wish I never met her or Caleb!
Elle:
Trust me shes madly in love with him
and he wont give her the time of day.
At least not romantically.
Me:
But…
Suddenly, every theory I had about this whole mess doesn't make sense.
Elle:
Believe me he’s all yours.
That revelation knocks me on my ass?If he won’t give her the time of day then what was the kiss?She forced it on him before.And God if I’m wrong about that then Caleb had no reason to poison me unless he hated me but…His face as I said goodbye.Calling the ambulance and waiting in the hospital even after having been in jail.That's not hate…the thought makes me wonder if what I saw that night was not what it seemed.Fuck.
Suddenly I’m trembling and the ache in my chest is a release of remorse I can't fathom.I've made a terrible mistake.The possibility that Caleb might be innocent gnaws at me, eating away at the anger I've been clinging to like a lifeline.But if I let go of that anger, what's left?Just a gaping void of pain and longing.
My phone buzzes and Calebs name is on there as he calls.He hasn't called or texted me in three months.I hesitate, my thumb hovering over the screen then it stops and after a few minutes my voicemail notification pops up.Part of me wants to delete the message, to maintain the wall I've built between us.But another part full of guilt, that's growing stronger by the second, needs to know what he has to say.
I dial my voicemail and tap the screen to turn on the speaker.
“Cole, I know you don't want to hear from me, but you have to know the truth.I would drink every drop of poison before I would ever let it near you for one, and the night you saw me with Charlotte wasn't what you think it was.She was blackmailing me.She brought pictures of us kissing and doing more intimate things.She also had an audio recording of us having sex.
She threatened to out you if I didn't break up with you.I agreed to break up with you because I didn’t want you or your mom to be in danger .I couldn't let that happen Cole.
But when she tried to come onto me, I pushed her away.She thinks I’m sick and I think she might be right because without you this ache in my chest is like a cancer that just keeps growing.
I know you think I am a liar and probably don't believe a word of this, but I had to try.
Because God forgive me, I miss the way you fucking breathe.You always filled me up, and now I am just so fucking empty.So empty it aches constantly.
I'm in love with your smile, your eyes, your dimples, your sassy mouth, your heart, you.I'm just so fucking in love with you I can't breathe.
I don't know how to keep going because every day is worse than the last.How am I supposed to do this?
The voicemail ends and my hands shake as I replay it, Caleb's anguished words echoing in my ears.The raw pain in his voice cuts through me like a knife.I can picture him so clearly slumped over, eyes red-rimmed, a bottle dangling from his fingers.The image makes my chest throb painfully.
I pace my room, running my hands through my hair.Caleb’s utterly broken voice saturates my brain with images that are too devastating to think about.And his last words in the message, fuck I can’t let him hurt himself.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I look up Ally’s number in the church directory and dial.She picks up on the third ring.
"Cole?Is everything okay?"
"Ally, I..."My voice cracks."I just got a voicemail from Caleb.He sounds...not good.I'm worried about him.Can you check on him?"
As soon as I hang up I grab my keys and drive over to Caleb’s house parking across the street out of sight.A sign on the church doors says, “All services canceled until further notice.” Filling me with more anxiety as the minutes tick by.
A stack of rolled-up newspapers are piled up on Caleb's front porch.The fear is deep and ice-cold.I'm terrified Caleb might be…No, of course not.I got his voicemail a couple hours ago.The thought alone scares me though.I can't imagine this world without him in it.
