Page 18 of Sins of the Flesh
Just as I am about to speak up, Caleb beats me to it.“I-I'm sorry… if that made you uncomfortable back there,” he apologizes, his voice heavy with regret and remorse.His stammered apology makes me freeze in shock.My teeth chattering from the nerves coursing through my body.His hand grips his neck, regret etched into his features?He regrets it.I hate the pain in his eyes.It makes my stomach churn looking at him because it's my fault.
"A-Are you okay, Cole?"He asks.Sitting up straighter, I try to appear composed despite my trembling hands.
"I-I'm good," I stutter, my voice wavering and small."A-Am I fired?"I whisper.
"What?!No, of course not," he reassures me."But…we both know that what happened was a mistake.It can't happen again."A mistake, no word has ever hurt this much.A tense silence settles over us as I struggle to find the right words.
"I'm sorry," I finally manage to say in a small whisper bowing my head.
Caleb moves until he’s sitting beside me and he draws a deep breath."You don't have to apologize, Cole."He says firmly."My main concern now is making sure you're okay."I nod slowly, feeling some of the tension leave my body, even though the pain lingers.
"Um, are you alright?"I ask, looking at him.His eyes are clouded with a mix of emotions.
"Um… I’m processing everything," he responds carefully.I turn my body towards him and take a deep breath, preparing myself for what I’m about to say.
"I should be sorry because I kissed you without your consent and… I'm Gay, Caleb.I feel so bad like I took advantage of you."I say in a rush, feeling my face flush with embarrassment.I just came out to Caleb, shit-fuck.I bow my head and hold my breath, wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.What have I done?What is he going to do?
Caleb gently raises my chin with his big palm, his thumb and forefinger framing my jaw, coaxing me to look at him."Cole, first off, thank you for trusting me enough to share that information with me.It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable being yourself around me.And secondly, as I said before, we both participated in the kiss, I am married and straight.If anything, the blame is on me for leading you on."I shake my head, trying to protest and apologize again.
"It won't happen again, I promise," Caleb says with a gentle smile, dropping his hand from my face and standing, my eyes follow his move.He then holds his hand out to me, "Friends?," he asks sincerely as he helps me to my feet.
Until this moment, that word has never been a curse word, but right now it lances through my chest, because even though he regrets it and thinks it was a mistake, I don't, and I'm not sure I can ever go back tojust friends.
But I also always knew we could never be, so why did I test it in the first place?I thought that look in his eyes…I thought wrong and now everything is fucked.
I force myself to place my hand in his and shake it firmly."Friends," I mumble with a lump in my throat.My only hope now is that knowing I can never have him release me from the hold he's had on me for so long.
Eleven
Caleb
My Heart I Surrender - I Prevail
I
check my watch as I round the corner to the breakroom, smiling at the thought of seeing Cole in his usual spot, and am shocked to find it empty.The past week between us has been…complicated, but lunchtime has remained our constant.Albeit a bit more strained than normal but reliable nonetheless.
But today, I'm greeted by an empty room.The chairs sit tucked under the small circular table, untouched.No Cole.Just stillness.I glance at my watch again, confirming it's 12:15pm.Cole's never late for lunch—not once in the months we’ve been eating together.
My mind drifts back to last week to that moment in the darkened hallway when everything…changed.The kiss was so unexpected, the confusion I felt knowing that I had wanted it.Then the guilt at seeing the pain in his face.I vowed I would never do anything to cause him pain like that again.So I promised we could go back to being friends.
We haven't talked about it since and I thought we would just get past it.But nothing has been the same.Initially things were strained but relatively normal.But I watched as Cole’s vibrant green eyes gradually dimmed, and a wall slowly built between us.
I shake my head, pushing those thoughts away.Cole's probably just gotten absorbed in a project, lost track of time.It happens.The Church is eerily quiet today, though it is often quiet; the silence today is heavy and anxious.
"Cole?"I call out as I enter the Chapel, my voice bouncing off the high ceiling.
No response.
I walk down the center aisle, past the rows of wooden pews that Cole has been meticulously restoring.As I approach the pulpit, I spot movement behind it.I knock gently on the wood.Cole's head pops up like a prairie dog, his hair is mussed, a smudge of dust across his forehead.“Hey, you want lunch?”He hesitates just long enough for me to notice before he gives a sharp nod and stands following me to the breakroom.
He silently takes his usual seat as I dish up our plates.His shoulders are hunched, his gaze fixed on the table.He looks tired.No, more than tired, troubled.The air feels thick with tension.
Taking my seat next to him, I search for something to say, something normal that might ease this tension.“So how’s work going?”I ask him.
“Good.”His short response catches me off guard.The single word hangs in the air between us.Cole is an over-sharer, especially about his work so his short answer raises alarm bells.
“Is everything alright?”I gently push.
