Page 13 of Saving Grace
“Maybe.”
“No maybe. Definite. I should’ve been there for her.” He looks up, those gorgeous deep-blue eyes filled to the brim with sorrow. “For you.” He looks back down in something akin to wonder. “I don’t even know her name,” he mumbles, more to himself than to me.
“Kaia.” I look away, instead choosing to study Kaia’s little fingers as they grasp at her daddy’s hand for the first time. “Maybe I should be bitter, but once Gavin told me about what you’d been dealing with, the hatred kind of fizzled out. Like, I’m still angry at the situation. But you didn’t need the stress of my pregnancy on top of your healing.”
His head is shaking long before I finish talking. “I made stupid choices. Missing out on your pregnancy, on Kaia’s delivery, the last seven weeks. The consequences of those choices…” He shakes his head again before his eyes find mine. “I’m ready to live with that, but I’m hoping you being here, coming back to Havenwood, means that you’re willing to give me the chance to be better. Even though I don’t deserve it.”
“Do you think I’d have brought her here if I didn’t want you to know her? Drew, the whole reason I moved back was because I want you in Kaia’s life.”
“And what about us?”
I shake my head. “There is no us anymore,” I say, even as the words burn a Drew-sized hole in my heart. “We ended when you chose your brother over me. I’ve accepted it. Our daughter is the only one who matters.”
As Kaia pulls away from the nipple, already drifting off to sleep again, I hold out my arms. “Do you want to burp her, or me?”
The hesitation is back in his posture as he glances at me shyly. “How do I do that?”
As I walk him through how to hold her and where to pat and rub, I can’t help but admire how good it feels to be back in his presence. And that tiny part that I forced into hiding peeks its little head out, wondering if we could ever get back to where we were.
Chapter 7
Drew
After feeding and burping my daughter for the first time, I left a sleeping Kaia and Leila with the promise of a serious conversation in the near future. At the time, I’d meant for the conversation to happen that evening. Instead, we’ve been bouncing around each other for two days. I stop by before heading to the barn, but it’s usually just long enough for Leila to grab a shower while I snuggle Kaia.
Best damn thirty minutes of my day.
But today is the day we finally sit down and figure out what the future—our future—looks like. As soon as I get some horses ridden.
As I walk into the aisle of the poorly lit sale barn, Declan slings a saddle over a young filly’s back. For a mare, she’s easy going and willing. The kind of mount I’m stuck with for now.
“You wanna take this one out?” Declan asks without looking up from doing up the cinch. He checks the saddle once more before patting her on the neck and turning to me.
I step past the horse and my brother, grabbing the work bridle before unclipping the crossties and sliding the bridle over her halter.
Declan stands in my way, forcing me to look up the few inches into his face. “You good?”
I roll my eyes. “You going to ask me that every time you see me?”
“For a while, yeah.” He steps to the side, letting me and the mare move toward the arena.
I walk past without another word, my brain already in ride mode.
I was born to be in the saddle. Never once have I questioned that. It requires awareness of every breath, every turn of the head, every shift of the hips. The fact that a thousand-pound animal can be that reactive, that in tune to the human on its back, never ceases to fascinate me.
After I throw a leg over, I take a moment to lower myself into the saddle and breathe, letting the mare feel me relax. No rush. No worries. Just me and her and nature.
I could’ve lost it all. Everything I’ve worked for should have gone up in flames.
I still hear the crunch of my shoulder against the metal panel of the round pen. I still have nightmares where I grip the horn as Havoc goes down on our left side, the pain or the concussion or both knocking me out.
I’m lucky. I’m lucky to be here. I’m lucky Leila wants me in Kaia’s life. I’m lucky our daughter is too young to realize how much of a mess I am.
As I work the little mare in and out of circles, encouraging to find her own balance, my mind drifts to the little human I held in my arms earlier. The tiny fingers that grasped mine and wouldn’t let go. The way Leila still soothes my nerves, even while staying out of reach. The way my heart still pounds at just thesight of her. She’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, inside and out.
I step the filly into a slow-legged canter, letting her stretch her neck, her long black mane catching the wind as she moves. As we turn the corner near the barn, Declan steps up to the fence. I pull up the mare, but her brakes are sharper than I expect. My left hand pushes into the horn, jarring my shoulder. I wince enough for Declan to notice, concern filling his features.
“If you keep getting hurt, I’m not going to ready these guys for you anymore.”
