Page 1 of After Him, There Was You
Chapter 1: Not Gon’ Cry – Tarana Morgan aka Tara
BigEgo82:What are you looking for in a man?
Sighing and deeply rolling my eyes at his inquiry, I went to the notepad app on my phone so I could copy and paste the answer I gave to every man who asked me the question.
BrownSugarBabe:I want a man who doesn’t need to be coached on how to love me. I want a man who is strong in God, kind, patient, understanding, committed, and loving. I want a man whose presence soothes me and comforts me in a way we can both find peace in.
Sending my answer through the dating app I had been using for the past six months, I sighed in slight frustration. Normally, I would have unmatched with him for asking for an answer which was a part of my bio, but my love life had been at such a halt over the past couple of years, I decided to entertain him for the time being.
North Brooke Port may have been a large town, but there was also a certain small-town feeling to the city I was born and raised in. It was the type of place where even if you didn’t know someone directly, there was a large possibility that you knew them indirectly, meaning you knew someone who knew them or knew someone who knew someone who knew them. Yet, even with the large population and the many eligible bachelors walking around, I still found myself single.
Small bubbles populated at the bottom of our message, causing me to stare at it, awaiting his response.
When the conversation disappeared from my screen, I knew he had either unmatched with me or blocked me, which would result in the deletion of our conversation all together.
“Wow. The audacity of this man,” I lowly mumbled, staring at my phone in disbelief.
It wasn’t as if I was asking a lot from a significant other, and truth be told, my standards were significantly lowering by the day. As of late, I had found myself being in the headspace of requiring less and less from men in the hopes of attaining something amazing.
Quickly becoming frustrated with my lack of a love life, I deleted the app from my phone becauseBigEgo82had taken my last bit of hope with him when he blocked me. It was frustrating because at this point of my life, I wasn’t supposed to be single and looking. I’d already found and committed myself to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but sadly my ex-husband didn’t get the memo regarding the two of us spending forever together.
“Mama,” an angelic voice called out before knocking on my door, pulling my mind from taunting and lonely thoughts regarding my romantic future and regretful reflections regarding my past. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, baby,” I responded, already pulling the cover back so she could climb in the bed with me like she did every time she stepped into the space her father and I used to share.
Once the door was opened, my daughter Raegan didn’t waste a second racing to the empty side of the bed, jumping up so she could climb in, and snuggling up to me. Staring down into her big, brown, doe eyes, smiling seemed to be inevitable.
My twelve-year marriage may have ended in a way which caught me completely off guard, yet and still, my two children easily made the entire ordeal worth it.
“What’s the matter, love?” I cluelessly questioned her, although I had a good idea of what was on her mind.
“Do I have to go?” Raegan queried, and in true spoiled princess fashion, she was batting her long eyelashes as her mouth morphed into a frown.
“Why don’t you want to go with your dad?”
“I don’t like him anymore.” She pouted. Taking in her dejected demeanor was heart wrenching. Regrettably, deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew she meant every word, and she wasn’t expressing something which would get her a pass to stay with me for the weekend.
My ex-husband, Jason, may have convinced himself his actions only negatively affected me, when in reality, his infidelity impacted our entire family. Sadly, he wasn’t involved in our kids’ lives on a daily basis to see the side effects of his recklessness.
“Raegan, sweetie, don’t say that.”
“But why not?” She shot before I could provide her with a valid answer.
I wanted to tell her that I held enough disdain in my heart for her father for the both of us, but I couldn’t tell my twelve-year-old that.
Seeing the dynamics between Raegan and Jason change was devastating. Raegan had been a daddy’s girl since the moment Jason cut her umbilical cord, and sadly, it all changed in the blink of an eye. I knew the divorce affected my fourteen-year-old son Jaedan just as much, but in true teenage boy fashion, he was too unbothered and nonchalant to talk about it.
To think, this could have all been avoided if I would’ve followed my heart and not my gut.
“Because above anything, he’s your father, and even when he doesn’t do good things, it doesn’t change how much he loves you. Don’t let Mama and Daddy’s problems dictate how much you love him, okay?”
“But he hurt your feelings.”
“Raegan, I’m a big girl who can handle it. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, baby.”
Oh, how I wished that was true.
The chiming of the doorbell halted our conversation and prompted us to simultaneously lowly grunt out in muted agony.Instructing Raegan to go finish getting her weekend bag, I walked to my front door, pausing with my hand on the knob as if there was enough time in the world to brace myself for who was on the other side.
