Page 89 of The Confidentiality Clause
“Just start,” Miles says with a shrug. “I’ve found that’s the hardest part. The rest will come.”
“Okay, I’ll try.” I draw in a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know those are just words, but they’re true. I’ve been a terrible friend so that I could be a good agent. Then when you tried to help me, I got frustrated and pushed you away more. I’ve been taking on too much, and it all came to a head a few months ago. I ended up in the hospital.”
Emmett’s gaze lights up with recognition. He called me about something he was dealing with at the time, and I lied to him about where I was. The look he’s wearing now shows me he didn’t buy it.
Everyone stays quiet, so I continue.
“The doctor put me on high blood pressure medication and told me to lower my stress and maybe see a therapist.” I hang my head. “I didn’t listen. I pushed harder, thinking the medicine would make up for it. Until recently, I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in about a year.”
“Why didn’t you talk to us?” Shaw asks from where he’s sitting on the ground in front of Sutton’s feet. My sister doesn’t look at me. I grip Ariel’s hand a little tighter.
“I know that I didn’t really tell you, but at the time, it felt like I tried. I told all of you I was working hard, and you made jokes about it or told me to quit my job. It made me feel like no one could understand me, so why bother?”
“But we’re family,” Sutton whispers. “I was worried about you for months, and you didn’t tell me anything. I felt like I lost my brother and you were replaced by this robotic businessman who didn’t care about anyone.”
I hang my head. Ariel rubs my back with her other hand. The weight of all my mistakes sits on my shoulders like cinder blocks.
“I should have said more, but I don’t think any of you could fully understand my situation. That’s not an excuse for me holding back,” I clarify. “But it was one of the things that stayed on a loop in my mind.” I lift my gaze. “All of you have markers of your success. Trophies and rings and awards. I felt like, in comparison, I had nothing. For months after I graduated–and even before that–all I heard washe could have gone pro if he didn’t give up. That hung over my head while I was building this business. I wanted to prove to everyone–and myself–that I made the right decision by not going to the NHL. And I knew that would come at a cost.”
“And that cost was what? Your health?” Sutton questions in a broken voice. “Your relationships?”
I swallow down the emotion building in my throat. “I didn’t see it that way. I thought it would all be a season, and then I’d have made it. I pictured that day countless times, but whenever I thought I was close, suddenly the definition changed and I had more work to do. It wasn’t until I saw a glimpse of what my future would look like if I stayed on this path that I truly realized for the first time that I was chasing vapors.”
“I wish you would have said something,” Jason says from where he’s leaning against Ariel’s entertainment center. “Then we could have told you the truth. Those trophies you think define our success?” He shakes his head. “They mean nothing. I worked so hard for my first Super Bowl ring, and sure, it was a fun celebration, and there was a sense of accomplishment there.But deep down, there was a void that no award or ring or trophy could fill.”
“I was chasing the same kind of high,” Miles admits. “Shaw told me life was more than a game, and I didn’t believe him. Thankfully, Ellie showed me I was wrong.”
“I’d give up hockey right now if keeping it meant I’d lose Sutton,” Shaw says. Sutton smiles and kisses the crown of his head. “There’s merit in pushing hard and working to achieve your goals. But the greatest successes in life are ones that involve loving those around us with all that we’ve got. That’s what’s going to matter fifty years from now.”
My gaze shifts to Ariel. She’s watching me with a mixture of affection and pride in her gaze. I could see how loving her would feel like success. She’d make it easy to achieve, too.
“I’m starting to see that,” I say, my eyes still locked on Ariel’s.
“I wish you would have talked to me,” Sutton says, and I turn my attention to her. “But I understand feeling like you have to do things on your own. I may have been guilty of that a time or two.”
I chuckle, knowing that she’s been stubbornly independent pretty much our entire lives.
“I’m going to do better,” I promise. “To be better for all of you and myself. I’ve already got plans in motion. I’m hiring a junior agent to take over the college athletes I manage.”
“That’s great!” Sutton says with a smile. “We’re here to listen and help however we can.”
The guys nod in agreement. I look to Jason.
“Do you think Shepherd is going to be upset with the change?” I ask. “That’s one thing I’m worried about is making my college clients think they’re less important to me.”
Jason’s brother Shepherd is quarterback for the Georgia Thrashers. He’s as talented as Jason was at that age, maybe more because he’s got a chip on his shoulder from competing in the shadow of his brother’s legacy.
“I don’t think so. Anyone who’s worked with you for a while knows you’re committed to the best for your clients. I can’t say for sure, but I imagine he’ll trust whoever you do since he trusts you.”
I nod. “That’s good. That makes me feel better.”
Now it’s time for another step that scares me. Asking for help.
Ariel runs her hand up and down my back as if she can sense what I’m about to do.
“There’s one more thing. With this new agent, I want to make sure they’re the right fit. Would y’all mind helping me go through applications, maybe call in for an interview too?”
“Like Sutton said, anything to help,” Miles says. The other guys nod.
