Page 101 of Taming a Menace
“Keywan, let me tell you something right now. This is not one of those little floozies you used to sneak in and out of my house back in the day. This woman has a lot going on for herself. She’s beautiful, articulate, and she’s not afraid to answer questions straight. She is way too good for you. You know it, and I know it. On top of that, she got you to come to church without me having to beg or guilt trip you into coming. She must be really putting something on you. Don’t fuck this up. I want another daughter-in-law. You have to meet Janelle, baby. That’s my oldest son’s wife. You’re going to love her.”
“I’m sure I will,” Iyla agreed.
“How do you feel about having children?” my mom asked.
“Ma, come on!” I grumbled.
“It’s OK, Keywan.” Iyla laughed before answering. “I want kids, but if I don’t have them I think I’ll be OK with that. Keywan wants kids too. If it’s the Lord’s will, we will have some once we get married,” Iyla responded.
That made my chest hurt. I couldn’t wait to marry Iyla and start a family with her. If it were up to me, we would have started on that project weeks ago. I was on her time for now though.
“You don’t know how happy that just made me. Keep my baby in line for me, darling. Lord knows I’ve tried.”
“He’s doing the work. It’s not about me keeping him in line. It’s about his own desire to change.”
“Whatever it takes,” my mom stated.
“I brought Iyla with me today for moral support, Ma,” I said, interjecting on their exchange.
“Why do you need moral support?” My mom frowned.
“You remember that girl Leela who used to babysit me?” I asked, knowing that she remembered our old neighbor. I just needed to buy a little time.
“Yeah. I saw her a few months ago actually. She asked about y’all. I forgot to tell you.”
“She used to mess with me, Ma. Like she made me do all kinds of things to her whether I wanted to or not.”
“Things like what?” my mom asked, putting her fork down to give me her undivided attention.
It was times like this that made me hate undivided attention. Split my attention with something else like eating or watching TV. Someone completely tuning in to what I had to say made me tense.
“Sexual things. You name it really. I don’t know what was going on in her head, but I knew what was going on in mine. She told me nobody would believe me if I told on her. She even told me that people would call me gay and say I was a punk for not liking girls. I was maybe ten when it started.”
“I’m going to kill that evil bitch!” my mom shouted, grabbing a steak knife from the table and jumping to her feet.
“Ma!” I called, springing from my chair. I grabbed my mom and hugged her body to me. “Even if I thought you knew where to find her right now, I didn’t tell you for that. I told you because I’ve been carrying the pain from her making me do all that shit and being scared to tell anybody. I’ve been fighting because I refused to ever let anybody take advantage of me again. Somewhere along the way, I forgot the object of the game and just kept fighting anyway.”
Warm tears seeped from my eyes, and I didn’t bother to wipe them away. Telling my mom about what happened to me all those years ago felt cleansing. My mom stood there crying with me as if she was the one who had been assaulted. I could feel her pain. She held me tighter than she ever had.
“I just remember you being so angry, Keywan. I used to ask you to just tell me what’s wrong, baby. I kept asking why you were so mad. I prayed night after night for the wisdom to guide you in the right direction. I just didn’t know what to do. I took you to all those doctors and appointments and they all said the same thing. They made me feel like the worst mother in the world because I couldn’t fix my baby.”
“For a long time I was mad at the world. I was mad at everyone. I was mad at the boys for having to practice and leaving me home alone. I was mad at you for not realizing that something was happening to me. I was mad at myself for not being able to stand up to her. I was humiliated for letting a girl hurt me in the first place.
“I thought I should have been stronger. I thought that if I didn’t like what we were doing then something had to be wrong with me. I just want you to know that you did a great job of raising us. You didn’t fail me. I didn’t allow you to take care of me in the way I needed you to because I never told you what was wrong. You didn’t fail me. I was just in pain. I had no idea how to express it or even tell you that I was hurting.”
“My poor baby. I’m so sorry,” my mom sobbed.
It seemed like we stood in the middle of my mom’s kitchen holding each other forever. I would stand there as long as I had to. It took years for me to come to terms with what happened. I knew my mom needed time to process everything just as I had.
It was freeing to get the weight of my secret off my chest. If Iyla had never suggested I tell her, I would have never told my mom about my abuse. I would never be able to articulate howgrateful I was for her. I just hoped that I could show her over time.
Nineteen
Iyla
“Two more weeks, Moonie.” Keywan grinned as he sat across from my desk.
He’d started his self-appointed therapy sessions yesterday. He spent most of our session today telling me how much easier it was to talk to me than her. Thankfully, he was still willing to try it. I knew that he could benefit from his sessions if he were to apply himself. I’d seen an enormous amount of growth over the weeks that I had been seeing him, and according to him he wasn’t taking it seriously because he wanted me more than he wanted to try to see if therapy would help him.
