Page 208 of My Sweet Dollie, You Have to Love Me
All I saw were clowns here in our house, hurting her, touching her, but I was the one who had my fingers around her throat when my eyes opened.
The look of fear she had in her wide eyes when she gazed up at my unpredictability will haunt me forever.
I’ll never find peace, not even standing here in the doorway, watching her sleep.
She looks somewhat peaceful, her pink hair fanning out on my satin pillow as she sprawls in the center of my bed, hogging it. Duggan’s newly stuffed center dents where she holds him so tight under her arm, her fingers weaved in the tie she’s already frayed. The hoodie I picked out for her yesterday is the same color as that tie, and it makes me smile because I feel like I got something right.
Forcing my eyes to look away from her, I shift to my dresser and pull out a hoodie of my own. It isn’t cold today, and if I were in my room alone, I’d probably linger in my towel until my work hour rolled around.
Assuming I still have a job, I’m on an early shift today, probably covering a late one, too, for bowing out yesterday.
I still haven’t replied to Valaria, and my phone flashes on my bedside table with even more messages. It sits on the envelope from Mrs. Bannadosi that I still haven’t opened.
I shove that thought out of my head as I push my head into the hole of my hoodie, my arms quickly following because I can’t let Dollie spy my lucky clover tattoo if she wakes up.
The matching sweatpants complete my black set today, and when I return from dumping my towel in the hamper, Dollie is sitting up on my bed.
Her face is ghostly pale, aside from the blush on her cheeks that matches her hair, as she stares at me.
You okay,I mouth.
She looks anything but okay, sucking in big breaths through her parted lips.
I wish I could see the thoughts rushing through her mind right now. They keep her quiet—and that’s not Dollie. The dark color of my hoodie takes her somewhere else, it seems.
Eventually, she breaks the silence.
“Yeah, but I just saw a hint of your butt. Good thing you were facing away.”
Good thing.
“Did I fall asleep?” She sits on my bed, but her voice still seems miles away.
Yes, in my arms, while I rocked us to take your worries away because I couldn’t get rid of my own.
I nod, stepping toward her and taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
It’s morning, I tell her through sign language.
Another thing needs to be told.
Her eyes follow my movements cautiously as my hand balls into a fist. She scoots back, moving my pillows up against the wooden headboard and away from their perfect position. Her low-cast eyes soften as I put my fist against my chest and draw a circle. I cringe because of that. I fucking hate circles, but I need her to know I’m sorry.
“For last night?” Her fingers move faster on Duggan’s tie.
I nod again. My Adam’s apple bobs as I swallow down the taste of self-hatred. She’s stressed. I can feel it in the air between us.
“Anything else?” Those words creep out of her mouth.
I sign again, telling her that I’m sorry for so many things, and I continue my silent conversation by adding,your eyes look puffy.
It takes her a minute to answer.
The longest minute of my life, where I take in how her hair wraps around her petite shoulders. And how her cute little toes curl and her nails glitter in the morning light peeping through a crack in my curtains.
The scent of roses and chocolate fills my nose and the air in my room as I breathe her in.
God, I could love you forever.
