Page 161 of My Sweet Dollie, You Have to Love Me
This is why he wanted them... because you’re a mess.
Thoughts of lingerie-clad women flit through my mind, each one remembered in enough detail to cause me more pain.
The wall around my heart resolidifies.
“You still look hot, even with the smudges,” Shane interrupts the noise in my head.
Smiling when I look over to him, his face blurs into so many others as the women’s continue to flash in my mind.
“Why did you have to do any of it?” My voice laces with meek familiarity.
“God, I wish I didn’t.”
“Well, everyone says that when they get caught.”
“No, I was gonna stop. I wish I had stopped. I wish I had never started. I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and do everything over.”
“But you can’t, and the truth is, you chose to do it. You chose to kick and scream at me afterward and shove glass into my chest. You chose to hurt me again when I was already in agony. You chose to break my mother’s things.”
He leans, and I grip the door handle, ready to rush from the car.
“I fucked up so many times. Please, don’t leave yet.”
Peeling my hands away from the door handle, I sit back in my seat. Staring out at the dark trees and not his face, I ask, “So, what would you do differently? If you could go back in time? Which part would you leave out?” I have to wonder if there’s anything.
“Fuck, so many things. I’d do it all differently, Dollancie.” The use of my real name touches me down to my soul, crumbling some of those bricks again. He’s hardly used it in years.
I look his way, and there are tears in his eyes.
“Every single thing that hurt you, I wouldn’t do it. I wish I could start everything over. I think the pressure of the houseand being there caused me to boil over. Having to listen to the whispers of you and him together in really fucked up ways. It was sickening.”
“What whispers?”
“It was constant.” Stress comes out in Shane’s voice. “Voices in my ears. That’s why I agreed to go out that night and didn’t want to come home when we were out. I know my behavior was wrong that night, too.”
“You heard things in the house? Why didn’t you tell me? You told me I was going crazy.”
“I couldn’t tell you about it because I didn’t wanna frighten you. I let you think you were going crazy, but I heard things, too. I saw things in there that made me afraid for you to stay there alone. Yeah, I know he’s there, too. He’s also fucking dangerous, and you shouldn’t be around him.” Shane cannot bring himself to use Ambrose’s name. “I had to keep reminding you that your mom and dad weren’t there because I needed to remind myself.”
“You saw my parents. When?”
“That day you found out everything in the bathroom, like you said. But they’d been there before that. I’d heard your mom singing, your dad trying to comfort you those first few nights when you were adjusting.”
“I heard my dad the first night we got here.” I stare up at the tragic vision that is my house. Goosebumps line my body when I remember Annabelle is in there alone.
Shane nods, agreeing. “I was fucking scared, but I tried to push all those feelings aside, but I couldn’t, and everything got crazy. I got crazy. Breaking your mom’s things. What was I thinking? I think I did it, partly through fear and partly because I hated the thought of what was coming. You hurt me by telling me we were done, and I wanted to hurt you too. But fuck, it’s haunted me, and I really am sorry, Dollancie.”
Staring down at his hand on mine, I don’t stop him when he laces our fingers or takes my knuckles to his mouth and kisses them.
“Did anything physical ever happen with those girls?”
“No. Never. It wasn’t just me. All the guys at the body shop were trying to compete with each other, seeing who could rack up the most interest. It was all a game to us, and I’m so sorry you got hurt because of my fucking stupidity. Nothing physical happened, no real feelings, nothing.”
“All the guys?”
“Yeah. Like I said, it wasn’t real. It was just a stupid game.”
“Did they all go home and beat up their wives?”
