Page 40 of Ruthless Alpha
It was all so generous, so welcoming. It was the kind of life and the kind of Pack I’d always dreamed of, but every new joy was tinged with pain. It wasn’t a life I could share with my mate, no matter how much I wanted to.
“I’ll let you get settled,” Julia finished, absently plumping one of the pillows on the easy chair by the fire. “Come up to the big house when you’re done—Ethan should be home soon, and we can all have dinner.”
“Not me,” said Xander. “I’m just gonna make sure Rosie’s comfortable and then head off. Need to be back tonight.”
He didn’t look at either of us directly, and tension soured the air until Julia dispelled it.
“Alright, but Ethan’s gonna be sad he missed you,” she grumbled. “He’ll pretend he’s cool with it, but he’s gonna get those little frown lines right here.” She drew little lines between her own eyebrows to demonstrate, and Xander gave her a half-hearted laugh.
“I’ll make it up to him, I promise.”
“You’d better,” Julia said. She shepherded her son out of the door and bid the pair of us goodbye with a cheery wave.
All the warmth in the cottage seemed to leave with her. I’d thought so wistfully about what life would be like on another island, despite the hole I knew Xander would leave in my life, but I’d never considered the moment of separation. It would be a sharp, slicing pain—like severing a limb.
“You got everything you need?” Xander asked. It was a stupid question, but it broke the thick silence that had settled in Julia’s absence.
“I didn’t have much to begin with,” I reminded him.
“I’m sure Julia and Ethan will make sure you’re comfortable. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask, okay? I know you don’t like to—”
“I promise I’ll ask.”
“Okay.”
It was a conclusion, a segue into goodbye, yet neither of us wanted to take that final step. Xander had his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders rounded, so unlike the confident Alpha I knew that I almost caved completely, almost told him I had changed my mind, that I could make it work on Ensign, as long as he was with me.
“Will you come visit?” I asked instead.
“Do you want me to?”
“Of course I want you to.”
“Of course,” Xander echoed, his voice wry and hollow.
“I don’t—I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be with you, Xander.”
“Then why are you doing it?” he snapped back at me. His expression was guarded and hurt, but I didn’t have any new answers for him. I didn’t have any balm for the wound I’d inflicted.
“You know why.”
He nodded, and then the silence came again. I hated that silence, hated the way it filled up all the spaces between Xander and me. I didn’twantany space between us, not really, but we’d been a tragedy from the beginning, and now our options were distance or destruction. I had to make him see that.
“The way I—the way I see it, if I stay on Ensign, I’ll eventually start resenting you, because you’ll be the reason I’m staying in a place I hate,” I said. The words weren’t perfect, but they were better than nothing, better than letting him think I didn’t care. “I don’t ever want to do that, Xander. I want to love you forever, and if that means I have to miss you a lot of the time, I still think it’s better. I’d rather miss you than resent you.”
I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs as I waited for his response. He had to see that I was doing this for both of us—that this was the only way to save us.
When he finally spoke, there was a tiny smile lifting at the corner of Xander’s mouth.
“Does that mean I’m allowed to kiss you goodbye?”
“Please.”
Xander approached me with more caution than he ever had before. His hands were light when they came to rest on my hips, his mouth soft and chaste and tender on mine. It was so sweet that I could do nothing but melt into it, winding my arms around his neck to keep him close.
The bond flared, and maybe I could have ignored it, could have pulled back and told him to go, but I didn’t want to. Instead, I whined against his lips, raking my fingers through his hair.
“Rosie,” he sighed against my lips. His hands were tightening on my hips, and I pushed my body closer to his, giving him permission.
