Page 13 of Game Point
‘And there’s no chance of changing your mind?’
‘Do you ask people who want kids the same question?’
He shook his head, sounding apologetic. ‘That’s not how I meant it.’
‘Then how did you mean it?’
‘More like …’ His words cut off as he tried to find the right words. ‘Scottie could ask me for anything. Kids, no kids. A puppy. A part of my liver and while they’re at it, my second kidney.’
I managed a laugh. ‘Down bad, dude,’ I teased.
‘Don’t remind me.’ Then he turned to me. ‘I don’t care. As long as she’s happy.’
And all of a sudden, I saw it in his eyes: the emotion, the love he had for her pouring out.What happened to him on that damn island?
Thinking about how he clearly felt, how easily he would give her everything, made me feel like I wasn’t a good enough husband. Had I tried to want what she wanted hard enough? Did I spend enough nights lying awake nextto her wishing to change? Had I spent enough time with friends’ kids trying to discover the spark of parenthood I had missed all my life? The one she clearly had discovered while I’d been left in the dark?
I knew the answer. But it didn’t mean giving up made me feel any less like a failure.
‘For me, I never saw them fitting into my life. I don’t have that … paternal need to teach somebody how to ride a bike, you know?’
A low hum shook his body. ‘I’m pretty sure there’s more to fatherhood than that.’
‘Exactly,’ I agreed, ‘and I actively don’t want it.’
‘And she did.’
I closed my eyes. I hadn’t told many people what happened, the deepest cracks that broke us apart. And there was still a mixed feeling in sharing it now, a relief of sharing tinged with the pain of rehashing it all.
‘For the longest time, she said she didn’t. She was happy with tennis being everything. But the sport, it’s evolving. She saw the room for maternity leave and still being able to have a career after it. And it was great. She … she was so fucking hopeful over it, and it ate me up that I didn’t want it.’
‘That must’ve been difficult.’
I sighed, remembering those last months. Once she told me what she wanted, after shoving newborns in my arms for me to hold and smell as if a stinky baby would make me want one. ‘We fought for a while over it. She swore she could live without a kid, but I knew her well enough. It was clear how badly she felt, and how I was robbing her of the future she wanted.’ I looked at him,my friend who was clearly caught up in the deepest ocean of love, an emotion that now felt so foreign to me, as if I couldn’t imagine what it felt like to love without it causing me physical pain. ‘I loved her enough to know when it was hurting us both.’
‘Fuck, man.’ His voice cracked as he spoke.
‘Are you …’ I trailed off, trying to process the shock. ‘Crying?’
‘Shut up.’ He wiped at his face; my body still frozen as he pushed up from the bench. He grabbed his racket, bouncing the ball against the ground. ‘Let’s hit some balls,’ he added, forcing his voice to sound deeper.
My phone buzzed twice in my pocket, and I pulled it out, the last night resurfacing in my mind. A buzz of serotonin shot through me as I looked at the response to the panic text I sent that morning.
OLIVER
I’m rethinking this trophy situation.
DYLAN
How did you get this number?
Who’s the stalker now.
I started to type out a response when Nico rudely interrupted.
‘Who’s that?’ he asked.
‘Nobody.’ I pressed send before pocketing my phone.
