Page 41 of The Facilitator: Part 3
Lauren sat but didn’t speak for a moment. Finally, she looked up. “I need the ladies’,” she said.
I held my breath as I paced outside. She was helped in by the saleswoman, who then came to stand with me while we waited for her. When Lauren returned she was whiter than before. She cried all the way back to the door and then on the drive to the clinic.
We’d lost our baby.
“What do you mean, there might not be a reason why? I asked. “There has to be,” I added.
We sat and listened to the confirmation and that sometimes, there was no reason for a miscarriage. A week had passed and I failed to contain the bitterness in my voice. There had to be a reason, we needed to know it. How could we proceed if we didn’t? I simply didn’t understand nor acceptit was one of those things.
Lauren underwent another series of tests, nothing was wrong with her at all. I then started to question everything I’d done. Had I fed her something? Had I coddled her too much or not enough? Was it that time she’d worn high heels and I told her she had to look after her calves? Had we had sex too many times? Those questions, and many more ran through my mind constantly.
I woke all hours; I paced the bedroom and the rest of the house searching my mind for answers.
I only settled when my wife broke down and begged me to stop. Only when I realized that she had turned to Gabriella because I’d left her with no one to talk her grief through with. Only when I realized how selfish I’d been and how so wrapped up in my own misery I was, that I’d ignored hers.
“Mackenzie, you need to talk,” Gabriella had said. We’d spoken a few times over the phone. The one thing I couldn’t do was FaceTime. I didn’t want to see her holding her child, not that I thought for one minute she would.
“I know. I don’t know where to start,” I said.
“How about a holiday, just the two of you? Get out of that house, you’re suffocating each other,” she said.
I nodded. “You’re right. I’ll book something,” I said.
We chatted a little more about her family and the fact Daniel seemed to have gone to ground again. Alex had investigators looking for him and so far what they’d uncovered was that, as we already suspected, he was in serious debt to some shady fuckers. His gambling and drug habit had gotten more out of control, it appeared.
“Call me when you’ve booked something,” Gabriella said, and then we disconnected the call.
I walked upstairs to the bedroom. Lauren was lyingnaked on the bed just looking at the ceiling. I undressed and climbed on beside her.
“Anything interesting?” I whispered, looking up as well.
She chuckled. “It’s actually quite relaxing looking at nothing,” she said.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m booking a cottage in Cornwall, on a beach,” I said.
She turned to face me and smiled. “I would love that,” she said.
“Just you and me. We need to be out of here and find some peace,” I said.
She reached over to stroke the side of my face. “I love you, Mackenzie.”
I kissed her fingertips. She pulled my shoulders so I could roll on top of her. “Make love to me,” she whispered.
I did.
Chapter Twelve
We knew we had to take a break before we had the last eggs implanted and a vacation to her favorite place seemed the best thing to fill that time. Not that we’d had a conversation about whether we were going for the third round, or not, of course. I was hesitant. I didn’t want her to go through another miscarriage, but I was equally desperate for that one last try.
With the roof down we started the journey to Cornwall. Although she smiled and chatted, laughed even, I knew Lauren was hurting. I also knew she was questioning herself as much as I was. Neither of us could just accept it for what it was. In a way, we refused to. I didn’t know whether that was to our detriment or not.
We found the cottage we’d rented and it was exactly what we both needed. Not far from her mom so wecould visit regularly and catch up on news of her recent cruise. The best thing, it was on the beach and it reminded me of my home in the States. We walked out through the yard and down to the beach, the sun was lowering and I rushed back to grab the bottle of white wine that had been left in the fridge for us. I opened it, took two glasses, and we sat on beach watching the sun set and had our first glass of wine in months.
“This is exactly what I need,” Lauren said, smiling at me.
“Yep. Me, too.” I took hold of her hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t consider what you were going through,” I said quietly.
“Mackenzie, please don’t do that. We have never been in this situation before, we had no idea how to react to what happened to us as individuals and to us as a couple. No apologies. We’re getting through it. It’s tough and I question everything I did or didn’t do, but really, we have to accept that baby wasn’t for us.”
