Page 93 of Finding Jacob
Finally, the text with the flat details came through and I made my way slowly to the exit.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
I sent text messages every single day to Jacob. Just updates on Paloma mostly. I told him I loved him and lied that I understood his need to focus solely on himself. I didn’t understand and as each day moved into another, that lack of understanding became anger.
Twenty-one days after her birth, I was finally allowed to take Paloma home.
Nathan came with the car seat, and he carried her out of the hospital. I was sure that some nurses and parents believed him to be her father since he visited her as often as I did.
“You need to eat something,” he said gently as I buckled myself in the car.
“I’m not hungry.”
I’d spent twenty-one days in utter hell, and it had taken its toll on my body. I felt wrecked. My hair was falling out, my nails broken, and my skin a mass of spots and blemishes. I lived on junk food and alcohol. Dory and Nathan did all they could to support me, but I spiralled. It was only the news that Paloma could come home that gave me the kick up the backside I needed.
I’d showered, washed my hair, cleaned the flat from top to bottom and left a pile of thank-you gifts to the owner, who was returning from their holiday home.
“Won’t be long before we’re home,” he said, glancing at me.
I scoffed at thehomereference. “You mean Jacob’s house. I wonder how long I’ll be there?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s not my home, it’s his. And since he doesn’t care for me or his daughter, who knows, Nathan, we could be kicked out at any point.”
“You know that won’t happen.”
“I didn’t believe he’d fuck off and leave us either, but hey ho, it happened.”
I believed Nathan knew where Jacob was and wasn’t telling me. He had been running his business for the past month. There had been one time when I’d been tempted to pick up his phone and glance through, but I didn’t. It took a lot of resolve not to, though. I was bitter and angry, and I wasn’t worried about concealing that.
“I’m not the enemy,” he said quietly.
I sighed and reached for his hand. “I know. I’m sorry.”
We continued the rest of the journey in silence.
Sadie met me at the door. She also looked shocking, and I guessed she was suffering over the disappearance of Jacob as well.
“Oh, Anna,” she said, her voice cracking.
I hadn’t spoken to her since I’d last been at the house, prior to giving birth. We had texted a few times, however.
She wrapped her arms around me, and I cried, she cried.
“Come on in, and let me see this gorgeous baby,” she said.
Paloma was sleeping, having been on a four-hour programme at the hospital, I was expecting her to wake soon for a feed. She had been sucking from a bottle for a little while and even my knuckle at one time. I’d been surprised how strong her suck was. She still didn’t quite fit her newborn clothes and Dory and I had been shopping for preemie ones. Nathan started to unload bags, suitcases, and boxes of items.
I picked my daughter up and cradled her. “Oh my, Anna, she’s the spit of her daddy, isn’t she?” Sadie said. Just a mere mention of him had us both tearing up again.
Nathan came to my side and kissed Paloma’s forehead. “I have things to do. I’ll be back later, okay?”
“You don’t have to, you know? I’m sorry I was a bitch in the car.”
“I do and you were, but apology accepted,” he said, attempting humour. When I didn’t smile, he kissed my forehead as well.
He left and I followed Sadie to the kitchen. I sat and held Paloma while she made me a cup of tea.
