Page 91 of Finding Jacob
“Why would he say that?”
“He’s not in a good place, Anna.”
“I know that, but why shut me out?”
“He thinks he can’t offer you what you want or need.”
“That’s bollocks, and I’ll tell him that tomorrow. I’m not going to stop seeing him.”
Nathan swallowed hard. He cupped my cheek with his palm and his eyes searched for mine. “He has told the ward that you’re not welcome and they will have no choice but to accept what he said. He is transferring himself to a rehab centre.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I turned to run back, and Nathan grabbed my arm.
“Anna, please. Leave it tonight. You won’t get back in.”
I wanted to shrug my arm free of his grip. Someone walked past and stared at us, walking backwards to check what was going on. I smiled at them and stopped pulling.
“Come on, let’s get out of here and think of what to do,” Nathan said.
We carried on to the car and I sat numbly in the passenger seat. I shook my head, hugged myself, in total shock at what Nathan had told me.
“The fucking coward,” I shouted as Nathan climbed in beside me. “What a fucking coward. Can’t tell me to my face, can he?” The tears then started to fall. “I’m just fucking running around here trying to keep my shit together, the least he could have done is fucking well told me to my face.”
I slammed my hand down on the dashboard as Nathan pulled into the traffic. I cursed and shouted all the way back to The Portland. Nathan walked with me to Paloma. It was late, the babies were all sleeping, and the blue hue of UV lights was usually comforting. I couldn’t pick Paloma up, I just stared into her cot. I was one of the fortunate ones, Paloma was large for her age, more developed than the tiny babies in incubators. Those ones could feel the touch of their mother, but only a hand through a hole in the side.
I placed my finger in her palm and she scrunched her fist around it. I still hated to see all the tubes and wires. I detested the sound of beeping and monitors, and my blood ran cold when one flatlined and curtains were pulled while the child was worked on. That night, however, I was tense, I wasn’t comforted by the light and the noise irritated me more.
I walked away from my daughter, not wanting her to pick up on my devastation.
Nathan came back to my room with me. There was a corridor of bedrooms with shared bathrooms. They were basic but had a small double bed that was remarkably comfortable, an armchair with a bookcase full of novels next to it; a small coffee table, and a TV mounted on the wall. I hadn’t switched the television on once. Usually, by the time I arrived back, I just crashed. I picked up a bottle of half-drunk water and gulped some down. I then grabbed my painkillers and popped three into my mouth.
“Why, Nathan?”
Nathan shrugged his shoulders. “He’s not right, you know that. He can’t cope with his injuries. He doesn’t know if he’ll walk again.”
“So what if he doesn’t? Does he think I’d leave him?”
“I don’t know. Please keep in mind, he’s not thinking straight. Tomorrow might be a different story.”
I stared at Nathan. “Do you believe he’ll change his mind tomorrow?”
It took him a moment before he shook his head. I let the tears fall and he walked towards me. I fell into his embrace. He held me so tight while I sobbed against his chest. When I felt my legs start to quiver, he picked me up and laid me on the bed.
“Don’t leave me,” I said between sobs.
Nathan climbed on the bed beside me. I curled into him, and he held me while I cried myself out. He kissed my temple, told me that he wasn’t going anywhere, and he comforted me until I fell asleep.
At some point during the night, I woke. Nathan was still beside me asleep. I stared at him. He was so good to me, other than Dory, the only person I could truly count on. My eyes stung with more tears. My nose and lips were sore, I imagined my cheeks were red and chapped as well. I felt awful, nauseated, and lost. Nathan stirred.
“Did I wake you?” I asked when he turned on his side to face me.
“I know when you’re awake,” he said, gently. “Do you want a drink of anything?”
I shook my head. “Thank you for staying with me.”
He smiled and slid one arm under my neck. He pulled me towards his chest. I felt safe in his arms, protected.
“Do you think he loved me?” I asked.
