Page 84 of Finding Jacob
I sat with her for another hour before I, very reluctantly, handed her back. I needed to pee and eat. I felt sick from medication and no food. I wanted her to be with me, to have her cot beside my bed, but understood that wasn’t going to happen. I could sit with her all day if I wanted. I could change and dress her. I couldn’t breastfeed her, which devastated me, as she couldn’t suck, but with medication to produce it, I could express milk for her. I opted to also donate excess breast milk. I hadn’t even heard of donated breast milk but was happy to as soon as I learned about it. I learned it was unusual for her to have opened her eyes so early, usually at that ‘age’ she would have been light sensitive. But she was stronger than most. I’d looked around and saw the tiny premature babies, and my heart cried out to them.
When I returned to my room the doctor was there.
“What happens now?” I asked, wincing again as I climbed back onto the bed.
“For now, you need to heal. You’ve had major surgery. Thankfully, your hip isn’t broken but very bruised and will stiffen up with swelling. We’ll arrange for some physio to help you through that.”
“When can I leave?”
“When you’re fit enough to. Paloma, however, will likely be with us for a few weeks. All in all, she’s fit and healthy, if a little underdeveloped, as you can imagine.”
He listed all the things that were good, her lungs worked fine, her heart beat well, but her stomach was very sensitive. She had some growing to do before they would allow her to leave. I could opt to stay at the hospital in a special room set up for parents of preemies, or I could come and go daily as I saw fit. I opted to stay. I wanted to be close to her. I had no idea the length of time I would be there, it could be several weeks, but not being near her wasn’t considered.
“I need to see Jacob,” I said, totally torn in two.
The doctor nodded. “I understand. In another couple of days perhaps you can travel over to see him. I’m sure your friends here can organise that for you.”
I didn’t want to wait a couple of days, but also appreciated my stomach had been sliced open, I had layers of stitches inside and outside of me. As much as I wanted to get up and walk about, I hurt. Women had C-sections all the time, and most were sent home a few days after. I guessed, since I was in a private hospital, there was no rush to do the same.
“He wouldn’t know you were there, my darling,” Dory said gently.
I shook my head. “He would. I know he would. He needs to hear my voice so he can wake up.”
“I think, for now, the coma is induced,” she added.
I couldn’t understand what was being said. I just had this need to be with him, and a need to stay with my daughter. I covered my face with my hands and cried harder.
Both Dory and Nathan sat on the bed with me. She wrapped her arms around me, and he placed his hand on my thigh. Both wanted to offer comfort, but I felt lost. Part of me was missing.
When I’d cried myself out, I dozed on and off.
Two plain-clothes police officers roused me. They introduced themselves and both sat on chairs Nathan had gathered for them.
“Have you charged her?” I blurted out, referring to Hannah.
“She has been charged with attempted murder and we’d like to add accessory to murder as well. However, proving that second one is another matter. Right now, we have no evidence she had anything to do with her daughter’s overdose.”
I nodded. At least she would have some charges levied at her for Jacob. “My partner is in a coma because of her. We don’t know what will happen. My daughter is in the NICU because of her,” I said, taking deep breaths between words to quell my rising anger.
“Can you take us through what you remember?”
I recalled every detail as I remembered it. I did make a point to say she was wrestling with the steering wheel because, although she may have changed her mind about running us over, she may not have known that was the plan, either, she had to have been the one to tell Harvey I knew all about their sordid lives.
“Hannah stopped Jules from going to the police as a child. She covered for her brother. She should be charged with that as well,” I said, coming to the end of my recollection. “Whether she drove that car or tried to stop him, she’s culpable. Harvey wouldn’t have known who I was had it not been for her.”
I was told there was an internal investigation of Harvey running alongside the criminal one and I might also be contacted by internal affairs. I welcomed that, of course. The detectives were with me for about an hour, going over my statement, asking the same questions in roundabout ways and still getting the same answers. I tried not to get cross, understanding that Hannah was facing serious criminal charges and what I had to say was vital to her conviction. It exhausted me, though. I cried until I felt like I couldn’t produce anymore tears. Eventually, they left, promising I’d be allocated a liaison officer and they would be keeping in contact with me. If they couldn’t get in touch with me, they had my permission to speak to Nathan.
I rested back on the bed and closed my eyes. Talking about it had brought back such vivid memories and I scrunched my eyes, hoping to not see it on replay.
“I have a plan,” Nathan said, rousing me. “I’ll head over to King’s and FaceTime you. How about that?”
I nodded; it was something. “I’ve only got this old phone, not sure it’s up to that. I haven’t bought a new one yet,” I said. I hated phone buying and had put it off.
“I’ll call Dory. Also, make a list of what you need. I’ll ask Sadie to pack a bag.”
I had already packed my baby bag, that sat in the nursery, and I could easily give a list of items to be added for me. I nodded, wanting Nathan to get to Jacob quickly. If I couldn’t be with him, at least Nathan should.
“I still don’t understand,” I whispered to a darkening room. Dory shuffled on the bed beside me.
