Page 104 of Finding Jacob
Nathan raised his eyebrows quickly; he pursed his lips as if biting the inside of his cheek to stop him saying something. It was fleeting, but I’d seen it. He hadn’t liked what I’d said.
“Can we not be upset about this?” I asked gently.
He pulled me to his chest and hugged me. “Text me when you get there.” He did smile and then opened the driver’s door for me. He didn’t look at me, though.
I climbed in and reversed from the spot and made my way down the drive. I saw Nathan standing by the front door, just looking at his feet. My heart ached for him, and I knew I was going to have to do something about the situation with him. I hated the thought of distancing myself from him, but that’s what I thought I’d have to do.
I concentrated on Paloma, the satnav, and tried to keep my mind from wandering between Nathan and Jacob.
I bumped over an unmade lane and eventually pulled onto the driveway of our holiday cottage. It was exactly as pictured. A small building with a lawned area to one side and trees to the other. There was a swing and some play equipment, too old for Paloma, but it looked very well maintained. I punched in the number of the key box and retrieved the front door key. I opened it and then returned to the car for Paloma. I carried her into a clean and bright cottage. It was the kind of place one would draw as a child, all it missed were roses climbing up the outside walls. It was perfect, more so when I walked through to the kitchen and looked out. The garden ended where the beach started. There was a shaded area, a barbecue, a patio, and some lovely comfortable furniture. It was just what I needed. I placed Paloma in a highchair that had been provided and rushed back to the car to unpack. She was happily gurgling and playing drums on the tray with her fists.
“Do you want a snack?” I said, knowing she had no clue what I’d asked.
Her face followed me as I rifled through a bag I’d placed on the kitchen table. I pulled out a small packet of cut up apple. She liked to chew on those, I guessed it soothed her gums. I made sure that the apples were the soft, flowery type, even though she never actually ate them. She just gummed them and spat it out.
Once I’d unpacked the car and took our cases upstairs, I picked up Paloma and headed outside. I grabbed a blanket that had been left over a rail by the back door and we sat on the grass at the bottom of the garden and under the shade. Immediately, I started to feel relaxed. The sun was shining, and the waves were gently rolling against the sandy beach. I could hear laughter but nothing too close. I guessed it was still early. I pulled out my phone.
Hey, we arrived safely and we’re sitting in the garden under a lovely tree. I already feel relaxed. Paloma says hi!
I sent that text to Nathan and then started another.
Hi, Paloma and I have arrived at a lovely cottage on the beach at Sandgate. I’ll send you some pictures. We’re sitting in the garden and the beach is just beyond the gate, it’s adorable here. Maybe you could come here with us some time.
It was the first time I’d included any kind of wish for the future with him. I continued...
We’re only staying for a few days and I’m sure we’ll both benefit from the sea air, I guess those Victorians knew their stuff, huh? Anyway, Paloma woke this morning with two teeth! Two tiny little teeth just poking through at the front. She was smiling away, showing them off to me. She’s been eating a slice of cold apple this morning to soothe her gums ha ha ha I hope you have a good day, Jacob. Love and hugs from us all xxx
My messages each morning were all along the same vein. Just day-to-day chat, the kind of thing, I guessed, we would have talked about at home. It was about five minutes later that he replied and for the second time, I was taken by surprise.
Give Paloma a big hug from me, tell her Daddy loves and misses her. Explain to her that Daddy needed to find himself and tell her to look after Mummy. You found me once, Anna, and I’m glad you did.
I needed to find me; I needed to find the new me who can live with my injuries. It’s been tough, but I’m getting there. I’ve abandoned you when you needed me the most. I appreciate your updates and I just want you to know that it pains me greatly that I’m not with you.
Now I’ve found Jacob, the Jacob you deserve, I just hope I haven’t left it too late for us.
My hands shook. It was the first time he’d opened up. I had no idea what he was going through, obviously, I didn’t know the extent of his injuries even. He clearly wasn’t coming back the man he had been and, for him, I imagined that was what he was struggling with. He had been active and fit, independent. If he wasn’t now, I guessed that took some period of adjustment.
Thank you for replying and for opening up a little. Just keep in mind, the Jacob you want for me might be way more than the Jacob I need. I miss you xxx
He didn’t respond to that message, and I shut off my phone. I lay down on the blanket next to Paloma, who was fascinated with a daisy she’d plucked from the grass, and sang to her. Each day she looked a little more like Jacob. She was going to have a Mediterranean look about her; I was sure.
We spent a couple of hours in the garden, nipping back in for lunch and then returning. After I’d bathed Paloma and settled her down, which took longer because she wasn’t in her own room, I headed back out to the terrace. I placed the baby monitor and a glass of wine on the table and picked up my phone. I re-read the message Jacob had sent. In those short sentences I’d learned more about what he was going through than the six months we’d been apart.
Six months.
It had flown by. In those six months I’d sold my house, my business was about to be bought by a large London model agency, I’d moved away from friendships that weren’t reciprocal, and I’d become a mother. I had two men who loved me, or so I thought, and I loved them both back in different ways.
It was with reluctance that I packed up the car and strapped Paloma into her seat, ready for the return journey. I’d left the cottage nice and clean and with a little note to the owner thanking them for the use of their cottage. I knew I’d return one day.
Nathan was waiting at the house for me, and he came to the front door when I pulled onto the drive. I guessed he’d seen me arriving through the electric gates on the CCTV monitors. He rushed forward to open my door for me.
“You look tanned,” he said, smiling.
“It was lovely there. We sat in the garden or on the beach each day, and even went for a paddle,” I said, lifting Paloma from her seat. Nathan held out his hands for her and it pleased me to see her do the same for him.
“Was Little Miss here a good girl?” he said, lifting her into the air, she gurgled her response.
“Watch she isn’t sick on you,” I said, laughing.
