Page 96 of Finding Jacob
“Do you feel anything for Nathan?” Dory asked me.
We were sitting on the terrace the evening before the first court date. Dory had agreed to stay over with me and accompany me each day. She would sit in the visitors’ section and report back.
“I love him, but I’m notin lovewith him. Not like girlfriend/boyfriend type love. It’s deeper than that, but more on a friends or family level. Does that make sense?”
“Do you think you should have that conversation with him?”
“How do I do that? I wouldn’t know where to start and I can’t lose him. What if he backs off or walks away from me as well? I don’t think I’m leading him on, am I?”
“No, I don’t think so. You’re not really any different with him than I’ve seen before, but to the outside eye, you’re pretty damn close.”
“Can we be that close and still be friends?” I started to question everything around me.
“Yes, I’d say so. I don’t know, my lovely. He knows the score. He knows how you feel about Jacob and there will come a time when you and Jacob are back together. Perhaps, he has reconciled his feelings for you and knows this is all he will ever get.”
“I hate that, though. I want him to be happy. I want him to meet someone, fall madly in love and marry them. He can ditch me, even, if the woman doesn’t like our friendship. I want that so badly for him.”
“You can want all you like, but if he has chosen to sit on the sidelines with you, unless you push him away, he has made the choice to be here.”
We chatted back and forth and got nowhere really. I wouldn’t have the much-needed conversation with him for fear of him leaving me. I accepted that was totally selfish, but I was living day-to-day at that time. I couldn’t do that alone.
I had a second decision to make. As much as I loved my company and it worked well with only being in the office for one day per week, even if most of that day was people cooing over Paloma, I couldn’t make it the priority it needed to be. I couldn’t take the company on from strength to strength. And without Jacob, I wouldn’t be able to do some of the things necessary, like the travel. I asked my lawyers to put out some feelers and see if another agency wanted to buy me out.
Selling my business wasn’t something I would have ever considered, and I didn’t feel pressured into it because of the situation with Jacob, but something had to give. It wasn’t going to be my daughter, so it had to be my business. I looked at downscaling but knew I wasn’t that person who wouldn’t be striving to upscale again.
My house was being sold, perhaps it was time for a total break from London and all the memories, good and bad, it held.
I hadn’t told anyone other than Nathan and Dory of this decision and both tried to talk me out of it, initially. However, once they saw how determined I was, they supported me. Work had been a crutch. It was something that took my thoughts away from Jacob, and Nathan to a degree. I’d need something else to fill that void, I knew, or I’d have to finally address my life and where I thought it was going.
Like everything, though, I’d deal with it when I needed to deal with it.
CHAPTERNINETEEN
My hands shook as I stood outside the courtroom, waiting. I could hear voices from within but not make out the words. Finally, I was called. The door opened and I stepped into the room. I swallowed hard, annoyed my mouth was pretty dry. I could hear my heels clip-clop on the wooden floor as I made my way to the witness stand. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone until I sat, and then I turned to the judge.
I knew she was there, obviously, and I felt her stare bore into me, but I wouldn’t look at Hannah at all. I kept my focus on the judge initially as I was sworn in.
I answered the same question asked three different ways. I swallowed down my anger at the proposal it had been an accident, a tragedy that Hannah had tried to avoid. I shook my head in disgust at the defence, a man trying to get her a lighter sentence, when he said how mentally unstable she had become after her daughter’s tragic suicide.
When I did speak, I was concise and truthful. I agreed that it did look like she had tried to pull the steering wheel away. I also added it could have been that he was trying to pull the steering wheel away and she wasn’t letting him. Since he was dead, we only had her word for what happened in those moments before they mowed down my partner and caused the premature birth of my daughter.
I wasn’t in the stand for very long, and that disappointed me. I wanted to hear my words spoken aloud, to voice all those arguments I had in my head. I needed for everyone in that court to know how much I was still hurting because her actions, Harvey’s actions, had caused the separation of my partner and me. The consequences went way beyond him just knocking someone down.
My daughter could have long-term growth issues, we wouldn’t know until we got there, because of her premature birth. I made that point to the jury. It wasn’t just Jacob’s life, my life, that had been affected, but Paloma’s as well.
I struggled to contain myself, more so when I saw no emotion on her face. She was as cold as an ice cube, sitting prim in her suit and white shirt. Her husband, however, sobbed in the gallery behind her.
Dory waited for me outside. When my time was done, I held my head high and left, having done all I could, I believed, to prove her guilt, the part she played in the destruction to my and Jacob’s life.
I wasn’t allowed to re-enter the courtroom, even to sit in the visitors’ gallery, but I could stay in the witness room. I was able to see the monitor when Jacob appeared, and I gasped. He had a full beard, and his eyes were dull. I could only see from the chest up, but his shoulders were full and muscled. Nathan had told me he was working out, building up the strength needed for his wheelchair and for the bars he used when he practiced his walking. I imagined him holding up his body weight was exhausting.
I wanted to reach out and touch the monitor. I let tears flow and then I sobbed when the monitor blanked out. It shouldn’t have been live in the witness room, and it was quickly switched to the courtroom. I stood by the door, and I could hear his voice. He confirmed his name and age. His voice was exactly as I remembered it. Velvety tones coursed over me. I closed my eyes and pictured his face and smile prior to the beard. The hurt in my chest returned stronger than ever.
I walked away from the room, unable to punish myself any more.
Dory had arranged for a lunch with some of the girls. I hadn’t wanted to see them. They had been in contact since the accident and were desperate to catch up, but knowing they had cooled off prior to it still irked me. However, we were in London, and I thought it might be interesting to see what they had to say.
“Hellooooo,” Julie called as we entered. She stood and rushed over, hugging me. She frowned when that hug wasn’t returned. “Come and sit, we can’t wait to hear all the news.”
