Page 95 of Finding Jacob
“I miss him. Tell him that, will you?” I turned to face Nathan and wrapped my arms around myself.
Nathan just nodded. He looked as crestfallen as I thought I did. He silently left.
I sat at my desk and read back through the paperwork. He had deposited over a million pounds in Paloma’s account, twice that for me. I shook my head. I had no idea of his wealth. I guessed the house had to be worth eight figures, for sure. In addition, he’d detailed theHouse Accountas he called it. Monthly payments went in there to ensure Sadie and all the bills were paid. She managed that, I knew. I didn’t need his money, and I couldn’t help but look at it as a parting gift. As I stared at the writing a tear fell and smudged the ink.
Days passed and Paloma and I settled into a routine. I texted Jacob twice a day, once in the morning with news of the previous day, and one last goodnight in the evening. He never replied, but I knew he was reading them. They were being opened at least.
I had more meetings with the police, with my liaison officer, and eventually with the Crime Prosecution Services. They were progressing with assisted murder charges, and not attempted murder. I didn’t care to know what the difference was. Hannah had, eventually, made a confession that she had told Harvey all he needed to know. She insisted she had no idea what he intended to do with the information and that she was as duped by him as the rest of us. I called bullshit on that. I accepted she hadn’t known he intended to mow me down, I’d seen her fight over the steering wheel with him, but I didn’t agree that she hadn’t known he intended to stop Jules confessing to the police, and silencing anyone else who knew.
I was glad he had died at the scene, and I was equally glad to learn of his father’s suicide as well. All I had to do was to get the court appearance out of the way.
“There will be a video from Jacob,” Caroline, my police support officer, told me.
I nodded. I knew he’d have to give some evidence and I’d been wondering how that would happen.
“Will it be a live video?” I asked.
“Yes. We’ll be able to see him, but he’ll only be able to see the judge. He’ll hear the prosecution and defence, though.”
“So he won’t see me?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s how the video system is set up.”
I was excited to see him, dismayed he wouldn’t see me, and I couldn’t communicate with him in any way. That was assuming I’d be in court when he testified, of course. I was a witness, and the intended target, I didn’t get to see the whole court case, in case I was influenced by anything.
“If I’m called before him, can I stay in the court?” I asked.
“No, you’ll be asked to leave once you’re done. Whether you can come back into the visitors’ gallery, I’m not sure. I’d have to find out.”
I nodded, wanting her to do that. But then, I could be sitting near someone who supported him, or the press that seemed to be clamouring for this story.
“What about Jules?”
“Unfortunately, there’s just no evidence to suggest Harvey had any part in that,” she said, smiling sadly at me.
I rolled my eyes. We all knew he did. Not that it made any difference, he was dead.
I was left to my thoughts and Paloma, then.
I worked three days per week, I played with my daughter as much as I could. I fell more in love with her with each passing hour, and I took lots of photographs. The one I loved the most was a selfie of me and Paloma sitting on the bank of the natural pool. I was dangling my feet and she sat on my knees with her feet touching the water as well. She had her head thrown back and was looking up at me. Probably questioning what the cold substance surrounding her feet was. It had been a beautiful day, and it was days like that where I was the saddest knowing what Jacob was missing out on.
I tried hard to push him to the back of my mind. Nathan had said it could be months before he was ready to get back to his former life. We were already two months down that line.
Eight weeks of not having him beside me.
Fifty-six days he’d missed of Paloma’s life.
I didn’t want to calculate the hours I’d missed being in his arms.
I moved around on autopilot most of the time. I spent evenings either alone or with Nathan. I did get to a point where I could laugh a little at his silly jokes to cheer me up. I started to feel that closeness we’d had prior to Jacob’s return. But with that, I also felt guilt.
I loved Jacob, I needed Nathan in his place.
It was wrong. I had begun to see the signs that others had seen. The glances at me when he thought I hadn’t been looking. Hearing the sigh as he held me in an embrace, and the tenderness of his kiss to my forehead or temple.
I couldn’t deal with it, however. The thought of bringing that up with Nathan, discussing his feelings for me, and then losing him over it was too much to bear. I was selfish, I knew. I was holding on to him because I needed him, but not wanted in the way he wanted me.
Mostly, I started to become confused.
