Page 89 of Jackson
“Let’s hope itlasts.”
“So,talk.”
I took a seat in the leather chair and he sat opposite me. He always sat in the same position, with one leg crossed over the knee of the other, his arms always on the armrests. He was ‘opening’ his body as an invitation to talkfreely.
“She did something I’m sort of unsure about. She marked me, drew blood. I told her to be careful, she did it again as if she was testingme.”
“How did that make youfeel?”
“I liked it. But I don’t trust myself. She’s not that sexually experienced, and I need to rememberthat.”
“Have you spoken to her aboutthat?”
“Not yet. She said something like, ‘when I need it, she can give it.’ I like that idea, but it defeats what I’m trying to dohere.”
“Do you think you can ever stop harmingyourself?”
“Yes, I believe I can. I haven’t for over a month now, but when she dug her nails in my back and scraped them down my skin, that something fired off in my brain. It wasn’t the same though; it wasn’t a compulsion to feel pain. I can’t quite explainit.”
“When you’re with her, how do you feel? How does that feeling compare to the others, sayHoney?”
“It’s different. I don’t want to just take, does that make sense? Honey gave me something that Summer never will, and that’s okay, because I don’t want that anymore. It’s hard to describe what I feelinside.”
“Try.”
“With Honey it was just fucking, just a release of frustration and aggression. How do I saythis?”
“Say what, Jack. You can speak freely in here, you knowthat.”
“With Summer, I feel something so deep inside me. I want to just please her and my release is secondary to that. With Honey, it was important that I came over her. I needed to see that, it was as if it degraded her in some way. That fucks me up a little. That I wanted to do that—degrade her. It’s making me feel like a fucking shit and full of guilt,again.”
“It was a mutual decision, Jack. Remember, I sat you both down one time. I counselled her, as best I could. She needed that at that point in her life as well. You didn’t do anything she didn’t want you to do, right orwrong.”
“I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could talk to her, especially that night. I ignored her in the bar. I made a show of dancing with Summer, and deep down I knew what I was doing. I didn’t want her anymore, and I went about showing her that in a fucking shit way. It’s only after yesterday, spending the whole day in bed with Summer that I’drealise.”
“Realisewhat?”
“It was a pretty cowardice way to do it, wasn’tit?”
“Perhaps. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. Her father returned, Jack, you saw her. You know what happened. I don’t think it would have mattered if Summer was there or not that night. She’d come to the end, for her. She suffered way more years before she found you. And yes, for a while, you two worked, in a sense. She knew it wasn’t a relationship, you weren’t the only one she waswith.”
“Yeah, well, that makes me feel a hell of a lot better,” I said, hoping the sarcasm would beunderstood.
“Don’t get shitty, as you Brits say. It’s a fact. You can’t absolve yourself in her eyes; she’s not here to do that for you. You can in her name though. Focus on sorting yourself out, on building a life with Summer, and helping others. You can’t feel guilty if you did the best youcould.”
I raised my eyebrows athim.
“Yeah, fuck off now. Giving advice and taking are two different things,” he said with achuckle.
“So what do Ido?”
“I can’t give you answers, Jack. I can only lead you to where you want to be. Talk to her, always be honest and open. She knows you well, son. Probably better than you know yourself. Even after what she saw with Honey, after what you did with Ted, she still loves you. She needed space and she was scared, but it was my idea for her to returnhome.”
“She said, I’m not sure I like you making decisions for me, without me knowing. And that’s another thing, we’ve only briefly spoken about Ted. I’m not sure I can explain what Idid.”
“I did what was best at the time and you were in no position to make a decision. You will, you’ll find the words when they’re settled in your own mind. You do know why you did what you did, you’ve explained it well enough tome.”
“But it’s different. I love her. I want her. I’m not sure I can be as open with her as I am withyou.”
