Page 77 of Jackson
“I don’t want you to need me, Jack. I need you to want me. When that happens, we’ll find away.”
We fell silent as I let my words sink in. I saw him take a deep breath then release it slowly. He noddedslowly.
“Will you wait for me?” heasked.
How long for, though? How long would I wait before too much time had passed? Two weeks, two months, twoyears?
“Just concentrate on you, Jack. Get on top of your issues. No one is asking you to be ‘cured’immediately.”
I didn’t want to add the words that were on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t want to ask him to stay away from the women, from Ted, but I hoped that he did. I prayed that he’d choose to do that and find another way tocope.
“Can I call you tomorrow?” hesaid.
“Maybe, I don’t want to be the reason you work on yourself. You have to do it for you. You have to want to stop the cutting, the…you know what I mean. When you’ve done that because you want to and not because I’m the goal, I’ll never be your trigger, either. I can’t walk on eggshells around you, not knowing if I’ll say or do something that reminds you of your past. I don’t want you flawless, Jack. But I want someone who I’ll feel safewith.”
“I scared you, didn’tI?”
“Yes, and no. I wished to God I hadn’t seen what I did, of course. It was the look on your face. A look of hatred for Ted. I want to know who he is but not now. We’ve said enough fornow.”
“I will do this for you, Summer. You’re my goal because if I don’t have that, I don’t have a reason. You’ll be the reason I will kick this, and when that happens you can decide if you feel safe enough, is that a deal? Give me that, atleast.”
“Okay,” I said with a sigh. “I have to go now, it’s way past my bedtime. Be safe,Jack.”
“I love you,baby.”
“I know you do.” I whispered that I loved him too as I disconnected thecall.
I closed my eyes and shut the laptop lid before placing it on my bedside cabinet. I climbed under the duvet and curled into a ball. That had been hard, but I was glad to have seen him, to hear his voice. I picked up my phone and scrolled through the music I had been playing. I selected a song, copied and pasted it to a text message. I smiled as I sent it to him. I then pressed play and listened to Mumford & Son’s sing,I WillWait.
* * *
Two days passedbefore I met with Perri again, she had sent me a text wanting to meet at a coffee shop. I arrived early and ordered a latte. I took a seat near the window so I could watch out for her, and while I waited I opened my laptop to continue my research in courses atUC.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I heard as she took the seat besideme.
“Can I get you a coffee?” Iasked.
“Got one waiting. They’ll shout out my name when it’s ready. I’m often tempted to give them a funny name to see what they do.” As she finished her sentence her name wascalled.
“I found out how Jack got to know about my dad,” she said, as she settled back after collecting hercoffee.
“How?”
“The nurse. He asked her to send him a message. I’m still trying to work out where he got the number but I suspect that was from me, unfortunately. I’m the only one, other than you of course, that has his number. I wonder if he’d scrolled through my contacts oneday.”
“Did Jack everreply?”
“No. Dad doesn’t know where Jack is, I suspect. The nurse asked me some probing questions when I visited for some signatures. Have you spoken tohim?”
I told her of the conversation we’d had, and that I thought he needed a little more time before we made a decision to head out to California. She leaned over the table and took my hand inhers.
“He has to have you as a goal. You’re the only thing that’s important to him,Summer.”
“I know, but it tears me apart each time I think of him and I’m worried. I’m not sure I can go back, yet I still love him. I have to get this, man thing, in my head straight. He’s not gay, he’s not bi, it’s not a sexual thing, I understand all of that, but it still shocks me to the core when I think of what Isaw.”
She shook her head. “I told you before, he’s loved you for a long time, that won’t just fade away. No one ever measured up to you, you were all he spokeabout.”
“That’s something that worries me, too. What if I don’t measure up, Perri? What if I’m not the person he has built me up to be in hishead?”
