Page 75 of Jackson
20
Summer
“Do you think you’re ready?” Dextersaid.
“I think so. It’s been a few weeks now, is he ready? Is he ready to answer my questions without freakingout?”
Dexter had called me to ask if I wanted to speak with Jackson. He’d been doing well and it had excited me to hear that he was making plans for hisfuture.
“I don’t trust that he is in full recovery, just yet. He’s gone a month without cutting before. As for answering your questions, is there ever a good time forthat?”
“I talked to Perri, she wants to fly out. He didn’t return her callrecently.”
“He didn’t say she’d called. He has it in his mind that he needs to sort himself out before he speaks to her,though.”
We finished our call and I sat for a while. I’d normally Skype Jackson but I was worried about actually seeing him. I was worried that I’d see his sadness, that he’d see mine. An idea came tome.
I settled on my bed and opened my laptop and the Skype app. My fingers shook a little as I dialled up his number. I watched a blue screen until itconnected.
“Hey,” he said after a slightpause.
I looked at his image on my screen. He’d lost weight, his cheeks were hollow, and his skin tone waspale.
“Hey,” Ireplied.
“Turn your camera on, I can’t see you,” hesaid.
“I don’t want to. I just want totalk.”
He didn’t answerimmediately.
“I’m sorry. I miss you,” he said. His voice caught and he coughed to disguiseit.
“I’m sorry, too. How areyou?”
It seemed a dumb thing to ask, really. I watched him sigh and bite down on his lowerlip.
“I haven’t done anything since you left. I’m determined, Summer. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I know I’ve lost you, I hope it’s only fornow.”
I let my fingers run over the screen, over his face and across his lips as tears rolled down my cheeks. I hadn’t expected speaking to him, seeing him, to affect me the way it was. My heart was breaking at not being with him and in hisarms.
“I’m glad to hear that,Jack.”
“Is there anychance…?”
“I don’t know yet. There are things I have to do, want to do, before I can think ofus.”
He looked dejected. “I understand. I mean, who the fuck would want to be with me rightnow?”
“Don’t talk that way. I love you, Jack, that hasn’t changed. I’ve seen and heard a lot that I need to get my head around before I can make anydecisions.”
My heart broke a little further at my words, words that were partlytrue.
“Ask me, Summer. Ask me about thatnight.”
There was a pause as I replayed the things I saw in mymind.
“Are you gay?” Iasked.
