Page 73 of Jackson
Between us we’d had a fucking rough week. His cheeks were as hollow as mine, his eyes dull and his normally tanned complexion gave way to a yellowish tint to his skin. Withdrawal was hard for him. But like me, he was determined to kick hishabits.
“It can stay,” Dex said. “Now, the bar needs cleaning up after last night. What the fuck goes on when I’m not here is beyond me. I might have to get behind that bar nextweek.”
The previous night had been a raucous one. Not that anyone could tell, but D-J and my ‘performances’ were false. We didn’t feel the party animals we portrayed ourselves to be. However, I liked being at the bar. It was less thinking time than if I had been alone. I didn’t do aloneanymore.
I finished the wall with my signature and packed up. I was covered in paint, the fumes had dried my throat, so I followed Dex in and grabbed abeer.
“You really should wear a face mask when you paint,” Dex said as I gulped down a couple ofmouthfuls.
I shook my head. “I could say something really deep like, I smell the paint, I feel the paint, I become the paint. But really I just don’t like the thought of breathing in my ownpoison.”
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Interesting.”
I laughed, “I don’t need analysingtoday.”
“You need analysing every day. But it’s nice to see youlaugh.”
“I’ll get her back, one day.” I placed my now empty bottle on the counter and with a wave over my shoulder, left for mycar.
I drove along the coastline and pulled over before reaching the house. I sat for a while, just watching the beach, the surfers, the people, and the families. A few months ago just the sound of children laughing had my skin itching, it was a sound I didn’t recall from my childhood. That day, however, I felt nothing but hope. I wanted to be a father, I wanted to father children with a wonderful auburn-haired, brown-eyed woman. I pictured our kids. Whose eye colour would be the dominant? Her brown ones or myblue?
When I arrived home, I sat on the daybed with my sketchpad and drew. I drew a family, the adults each holding the hand of a small child that they swung between them as they walked along the beach. I drew her standing naked, and as my eyes blurred with my tears, my pencil rounded her stomach and drew her hands held over it protectively. I never finished thatdrawing.
It had been a few weeks with no word from her. I’d typed many text messages but then deleted them. I hadn’t returned any calls from Perri, not wanting her to pick up any sadness in my voice. Other than Dex and D-J, I didn’t want anyone’s help. I didn’t want to drag anyone further into my pit. It was my problem tosolve.
I thought of Honey a lot. No matter how many times D-J, even her sister, had told me she was on self-destruct and no one was ever going to help her, I felt guilty at the way I’d treated her. I didn’t hold myself responsible for her death; I was rational enough for that. For a while we had helped each other, but that ‘help’ would have never healedus.
Dexter had told me her father had been arrested, finally. It was only then that her sister could speak of the horror the two girls had been subjected to. In my mind though, it was another mother who had failed her children. I wouldn’t attend her service, I couldn’t sit there and listen to the mother sob and wail at the injustice of life. The only injustice was that woman should have helped her daughter when her life spiralled out of control, even if she was totally oblivious to what her husband wasdoing.
I didn’t want to think anymore, I wanted to ‘do.’ Maybe I was brushing aside my issues. Maybe I was unfair in my thoughts towards Honey’s mum but dwelling, analysing, and apportioning blame, wasn’t going to get me movingforward.
I didn’t sleep well that night, and for the first time in a long while, it wasn’t because I was in pain. A bubble of excitement had been building in my stomach at a plan that ran through my mind. I made notes, I scrolled through the Internet on my phone, and I madedecisions.
* * *
“Well?”I said, after I’d explained my plan toDexter.
We sat at the bar. D-J had his elbows resting on it and his chin in his hands. “I think it’s a fucking awesome idea. I wantin.”
“We need to do a lot of research, Jack, on the legalities, the paperwork, the licences,” Dexsaid.
“That’s where Perri comes in. She’s a lawyer, okay, a contracts lawyer but it can’t be that hard for her to find out for us,” Isaid.
“I like the idea. In fact, I think it’s a fucking awesome, as cliché here says, idea.” Dexterlaughed.
“Less of the cliché. Can’t help it, dude, if I’m the epitome of California,” D-Jsaid.
“Now we just have to figure out where to start,” Dexsaid.
“Money. We need money first and I know where to get it, just not how,” Isaid.
“You sure you want to do that? Won’t that mean seeing you know who?” D-Jasked.
“No, Perri has been managing it. It’s mine by right, I just told him to shove it because it gave him control over me. And you know, say the word. My father, dad, daddy. It’s not kicking off up here.” I pointed to myhead.
The word had been a trigger for a long time, and although only a short while ago it had, something had changed just by making the decisions I had. I was going to channel all that anger, all that frustration into something worthwhile. I was going to set up a facility to help damaged kids through art, through surfing if D-J had his way, and through therapy. Fuck knows how, but I wasdetermined.
“I guess first port of call is, you need to get your licence to practice,” I said toDexter.
