Page 71 of Jackson
“Fucking Romans? That’s ironic, don’t youthink?”
It took her a moment to understand. Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with herhand.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea why I’m laughing. It’s not remotelyfunny.”
I started to cry then. Perri pulled me into her arms and I sobbed on her shoulder. Tiredness, jet lag, lost love, and loneliness washed overme.
“Is he gay?” sheasked.
“No, that Idoubt.”
“Bithen?”
“I don’t know. Dexter doesn’t believe it has anything to do with sex. I don’t understand and I didn’t get an opportunity to talk to Jack aboutit.”
“I need to speak to Dexter, I need to find out exactly what’s been happening. Can I get his number fromyou?”
She took her phone from her handbag and added Dexter’s number to hercontacts.
“I’ll give Dexter a call, see if I can get an update. They may be holding back for fear of upsetting you. Although, I’d like to think he’d be honest withyou.”
She stood and smoothed down the grey pencil skirt she’d worn. I imagined she had come straight fromwork.
“Can I ask one more thing?” I said as I stood. “What’s wrong with your dad? Dexter thinks this episode is because your dad wants a reconciliation and Jackdoesn’t.”
Her eyes widened. “Dad has cancer, it’s terminal. But how did Jack know that? I never told him, I know not to mentionhim.”
“I don’t know. Could your dad have runghim?”
“Possibly, unlikely, I don’t know. If he has Jack’s mobile, we need to get that changed. Dad doesn’t come into the office anymore; he has nursing care at home. I’m in the process of dealing with his affairs, his shares and all that. I’ll speak to the nurse and see if he has spoken about Jack at all. Let’s make a plan to meet again in a few days. I’ll call you, if that’sokay?”
“Of course, and thank you. I can’t deal with this on my own,” Isaid.
“You don’t have to. I’m so glad you called. I can’t do it on my own either but together, I think we’ll make a formidableteam.”
She gave me a hug and left. I watched her give a little wave as she walked through the stairwell door. She had remained unemotional the whole time we’d spoken. I assumed that was Perri the businesswoman at work, possibly her way of dealing with the news. I didn’t imagine her to be one to openly shed tears, and who knows, maybe that was a learned behaviour. Jackson was the emotional one, he’d openly cried. Perri seemed morecontrolled.
* * *
Another few days passed.I visited my parents and told them about a tentative plan to study in America. As suspected, they were thrilled for me. My mum gushed about holidays on the beach; my dad beamed and was happy he’d be able to tell his friends his daughter was a doctor. I corrected him on that, of course, but he waved my correctionaway.
Perri and I talked on the telephone, she had texted Dexter, who told her to stay put with me. It took some convincing from me to allow Dex to work with Jackson, she had wanted for Dex to find a facility to take Jack in. To confine him would be his worst nightmare, I’d told her. I’d seen Dexter at work, I believed inhim.
I received an envelope one morning, delivered by courier. I sat at my kitchen table and opened it. I pulled out a first class ticket with American Airlines, an open ticket and instructions that all I had to do was book a seat, it was paid for. Although there was no sender’s name, I guessed it was from Perri. I texted mythanks.
You never know, you might be jumping on a plane tomorrow, so it’s handy to have available,came herreply.
I dealt with the apartment sale and slowly started to pack up my belongings. I wasn’t expecting to have to move for another few months, but it was an opportunity to ‘clear out’ my old life. I’d found some old memory cards from a camera and decided to take a look. I’d avoided anything with Dane for a long time after his death, it had been too painful, but I was ready to revisit my life with him and let it all go. I’d harboured such pain for so long, and it was only meeting up with Jack and that kiss the first night that I was able to set myselffree.
I sat on the sofa with the laptop and downloaded picture after picture. It was with a little sadness that I realised the majority were of Jackson and me. If Dane was in the photograph, he was usually scowling. I began to remember times we had all been together and how fraught it had been. How jealous Dane was of Jack. But in all the photographs, I was laughing or smiling. I was having fun. I looked up at the mantel and the framed pictures of Dane and me. I had a smile on my face but I wasn’t laughing. That smile never reached myeyes.
Had I ever been truly happy with Dane? We’d met and married quite quickly and I must have been in the beginning. It was in our last year of marriage that things started to change. He’d be out late a lot, stressed, bills were left unpaid, and it was only after his death that I realised why. He gambled, a lot. He owed money that I wasn’t legally responsible for but felt obliged toclear.
* * *
My dad cameto help move some boxes to their garage for storage. Other than a possible plan to return to California, I had no idea what I was going to do. And that plan wasn’t concrete. I hadn’t told Jackson and there was a small amount of doubt in the back of my mind. When he healed, when he recovered, would he still want me? Would I end up being a trigger that reminded him of the UK, of all the bad things? And more importantly, could I get over what I’d seen? If Jackson was bisexual, how would I feel aboutthat?
It was killing me not being able to speak to him, not being able to see him or have him in my arms. It had been a week without any contact and each day I longed for him a little more. I was sure Dexter was right, this would help Jack but it was fucking hard for me. I played his favourite album, James Bay’s, Chaos and the Calm, over and over. It was painful to hear the songs he’d sung, the song we’d danced to, but it did make me feel just a little closer tohim.
