Page 54 of Jackson
“I saw the pictures he did ofme.”
“He has given me permission to speak openly to you, not that he doesn’t want to tell you himself. However, I think it’s safer for him if I give you somebackground.”
“I want to know everything, Dex. I want to know the answers to all the ‘whys’ I have floating around my mind. I can’t help him if I don’t know. I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know what his triggersare.”
“And therein lies the problem. The obvious trigger is any reference to his family, but there are times when it could be a smell; it could be a situation that he can relate back to childhood, like being in a confined space, that sets him off. He spent some time in therapy in the UK, and for a while he seemed to be coping, but something happened for him torelapse.”
“And you know what thatis?”
“His father is dying and wants a reconciliation. Jackson doesn’t. So right now, he has the anger and hatred for all his wasted childhood and the guilt that he doesn’t feel anything about his father’snews.”
Alfie returned and our conversation was halted for a while. He had brought me tea, fresh, loose leaf tea. I had to show him how to make a pot and then Dexter and I settled back on thedeck.
“So where do we start?” Iasked.
“He thinks he’s lost you and I’d like to keep that going. You have a week left of your holiday, so I don’t know how hard that’s going to be. You’re going to have to act well. And then I think you need to gohome.”
“Gohome?”
“Yes, you can’t stay, obviously, but separation will be the test. As much as I’m asking you to be a good actress, he’s an even better actor. Like any addict, and that’s what he is, he will lie and manipulate all the time you’re here. When you go, when he has to face time alone, that’s when we will know for sure if he’s on the right path. He will fall, Summer, you need to be prepared forthat.”
“If the cutting outlet has gone, Honey is the next and I can’t deal with that,” Isaid.
“Honey isn’t going to be his outlet, I’ll make sure of that. She is bad news, always has been. I’ve tried to help her many times but she’s beyond mycapabilities.”
“Tell me what you can, start at the beginning.” I settled back into the sofa, expecting us to have a longnight.
“His mother died in childbirth, she had an illness. She refused the C-section to birth him early. From the age he was able to understand, his father blamed him forthat.”
“That’s madness.Why?”
“There will be a lot of ‘whys’ I can’t answer. He doesn’t know why himself. His father loved his wife obsessively, from what I can gather. He never recovered from herdeath.”
“A C-section? He has a pregnant woman tattooed on his stomach, right where he cuts. I knew that was significantsomehow.”
“It’s a very emblematic tattoo for him. If he can bleed, she bleeds. He has it in his mind he’s saving her. Whether that be he’s ‘aborting’ or ‘performing the C-Section’ on her, is something I can’t determine. He switches the why—depending on his mood. There are times, when he’s at his lowest, he’s terminating himself symbolically instead of really terminatinghimself.”
I blinked a few times, letting those words sink in. “Jesus!”
I’d gathered Jackson was in a bad way but not to thatpoint.
“Would he? Youknow…”
“I don’t know. He asks how long it will be ‘until he hangs;’ he knows he’s heading for rockbottom.”
“What does he mean bythat?”
Something in Dexter’s face told me that was a question I shouldn’t have asked. Pain flashed through his eyes. I reached forwards and placed my hand onhis.
“I don’t need to know the answer. Was his sister abused?” I asked to change thesubject.
“No, his father dotes on her. I don’t know how aware she was, or is, of Jackson’s situation. He speaks to her frequently and she owns the house, of course. She works for the father; she’s a lawyer in the bank. Jackson told me she did that to protect his trust, so I’m guessing she knowssomething.”
“What else did his fatherdo?”
“He gave him that blade, taught him how to cut and praised him when he did. The cutting not only releases the pain for Jackson, it became the only way to gain his father’s approval andattention.”
“Sickbastard!”
