Page 35 of Jackson
“I know. I’m trying. Give me some other outlet, tell me what todo?”
“If you had a regular relationship with her, how would that work?” D-J chimedin.
“I’ve never had a normal relationship, I have no fuckingidea.”
The circle of friends we’d had thought I was the eternal playboy. They had no idea. Most of the women I had were prostitutes, women I paid because no sane woman would put up with what I needed. I needed the rough sex I could exert when I paid for it. Those women knew exactly what they were getting involved with and they charged heavily forit.
I hated myself every time I fucked one of those women. I had no idea why I did it even. It sickened me to my very core. And that produced a circle that I was struggling to break. The more sickened I’d feel, the more I’d want to hurt. The more I wanted to hurt, the more I neededto…
I didn’t want to think aboutit.
“I think she may be the one to break you down, Jack. And that will be hard for you both, but it’s the only way to break the cycle you’re in. If we can get one thing under control, the rest will fall into place,” Dexsaid.
“She’s here on holiday and I sure as fuck am not going backthere.”
“That’s where your demon is, dude. Might be worth hitting it headon.”
“Says he who won’t go to the police,” Isnapped.
“It’s too long ago for me, and my old man happens to be the ex-governor. Who the fuck is going to believeme?”
The safe room was the only place we argued. It was policy to be honest and to speak freely. D-J and I had come to blows before, but the minute we stepped out that door it was all leftbehind.
We argued back and forth for another half hour. Dex would often sit back and let us battle it out. He believed in everyone being able to chime in with advice until we came to a collective decision. It exhausted methough.
“I’ll tell her some of it. I’ll give an explanation as to the cutting, is that fair enough?” Iasked.
Both nodded. “It’s astart.”
We stood and although we would never embrace, Dex was way too manly for that, he gave us both a squeeze to the shoulder. Session over, we made our wayout.
“Beer?” D-J asked as he helpedhimself.
“Probably not wise right now,” Dexsaid.
“You’ll have to tell us what the fuck is in that jab you give us,” Isaid.
All I knew about it was it was not wise to touch a drop of alcohol for twenty-four hours after. I’d made that mistake once, never again. I don’t think I’d ever been as sick in mylife.
“It works, doesn’t it? That’s all you need toknow.”
“I’m heading home. I’ll be here in the morning to finish the wall then we can get ready for opening,” I said, as I made my way to thedoor.
I began to get nervous on the journey home. Although Summer had told me she loved me, and I’d confessed my feelings, I was unsure of the future. We lived in two different countries for a start, and there was no way I was about to return the UK. I just had no idea how, if, a relationship wouldwork.
I parked on the drive and sat for a moment in the car. I removed her passport from my pocket, and although I felt like a complete shit, I hid it in the pocket in the cardoor.
I walked through the house and out onto the balcony. Summer was sitting on the beach. She was hugging her knees and her head rested on her forearms. I stood for a while, just watching her. My emotions were all over the place and my heart started to flutter in my chest. I needed to explain, to tell her something, but I was unsure as towhat.
I strode across the beach and sat besideher.
“Hey,” she said without lookingup.
“How are youdoing?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest.” She raised her head and looked out to sea. “I’mconfused.”
“I can imagine. I don’t know what to say toyou.”
