Page 29 of Jackson
“There’s nothing to understand. I likeit.”
“I don’t believe that. No one could enjoy doing that tothemselves.”
“I don’t care what you believe, baby. Conversation over, okay? You don’t and can’t ever understand.” I was aware of the aggressive tone to myvoice.
“You’re not exactly giving me a chance to, either. Carry on walking away, Jack, run, go on, do what you do, be acoward.”
“You’re a coward, Jackson. You’ll never be anything more,”my father’s voice resounded in myhead.
“Fuck you,” I whispered, not entirely sure who the statement was directedat.
I left the roomthen.
I grabbed a bottle of Jack from the kitchen, laughing at the irony. I was going to drown my sorrows in alcohol with the same name. I headed down the steps and kept walking along the beach. I found a spot some distance from the house and sat. I unscrewed the cap and took a large gulp. I screamed out expletives. Thankfully, that end of the beach was empty, save for a few guys out on boards. I needed to drown out hisvoice.
I took another gulp, then another. I watched the sun set through a hazy vision. It was with disgust that I realised I’d finished the bottle. I threw it towards the water and then laughed when it landed no more than a few feet from me. I tried to stand, the beachswayed.
“Fuck, keep fucking still,” I said, and then laughedagain.
I took a few steps before falling to my knees. I rolled over to my back and watch the night skyswirl.
“That’s Orion’s Belt,” I said to no one inparticular.
A wave of nausea washed over me and I rolled to my side. I heaved my guts up into the sand. The alcohol burned my throat as it was expelled from my body. I wiped my mouth with my t-shirt and tried to stand again. Somehow I made it back to the steps, but not before trying to climb theneighbour’s.
All the lights were on, including the one in my bedroom. I staggered up the steps and crashed, head first onto thedecking.
“Oh, Jack,” I heard. I rolled to my back to see her looming overme.
I laughed. “Think I’m fucked,” Isaid.
She reached down to grab my shoulders. There was no way she was strong enough to lift me. I rolled to my stomach and winced as the rough wood scraped against my cuts. Somehow I managed to get to my knees. She wrapped her hands under my arms to steady me. I stood and wrapped my arm around her shoulder to anchor myself. With her arm around my waist, she walked me to mybedroom.
“I fucking hate you for this, Jack,” she said between grittedteeth,
“No more than I fucking hate myself,darling.”
“Why? What did getting pissed ever solve?” She had managed to get me to my bed and I tried to sit. I ended up lying across thebed.
She lifted my legs and swung them on the bed. I laughed as I was scrunched at an angle. She pulled on my arm to straighten me. I felt her remove my trainers and socks. I laughed as her nail slid down the underside of myfoot.
“That tickles,” I mumbled with eyesclosed.
She grabbed the hem of my t-shirt and tried to lift. I was not in a position to help her. Somehow she got the t-shirt off over my head. I smelled my own vomit as it passed mynose.
Somewhere in my consciousness, I felt her hand move to the top of my jeans. She unbuckled my belt, popped open the button, and before she lowered the zipper, I placed my hand overhers.
“No shorts,” I said with aslur.
I held her hand at my groin though. I wanted her to feel how hard my cock was. I felt her flatten her palm against me. She gently squeezed and I moaned. I released her hand and threw my arms above my head. That action must have caused my wounds to open slightly. I felt the trickle of hot blood run down myside.
Summer pulled her hand away and I opened my eyes to look at her. I tried but failed to get herfocus.
“What did you do to yourself?” shesaid.
I ran one hand over my stomach; I dragged my nails across and opened my wounds. I coated my fingers in my blood and brought them to my face, to my lips. I heard hersob.
“It’s not what I did, baby. It’s what hedid.”
Those were the last words I remembered before I passedout.
