Page 21 of Jackson
D-J stirred, saving me from answering. I wasn’t sure I wanted to face the demons, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to conquer them. There was a sick part of me that enjoyed what I did. But like Dex said, we were all addicts and I guessed, any addiction was bad if not under control. I was getting out of control; I knew that. My episodes were becoming too frequent for his, or my,liking.
“Man, my fucking head,” D-J whispered. He turned on his side and immediatelyvomited.
Dex jumped to his feet and helped D-J into the recovery position. I pulled the sheet from under his body and rolled it into a ball, which I deposited by the door. D-J immediately settled again. I watched Dex fill a syringe and give D-J a dose ofsomething.
“Sit back down, we haven’t finished,” he said, indicating with his hand towards the chair. “Showme.”
I lifted my t-shirt as he walked towards me with a medical box in his hand. He closed his eyes and sighed at the red angrymarks.
“I thought you said you cleaned those up,” hesaid.
“Idid.”
“Not well enough, that looks a little infected already. Standup.”
Dexter took some wipes from his box and gently cleaned the wounds. One cut had swollen slightly; I guessed it had been the deepest. He popped a couple of pills from a blister pack and handed them to me. I eyed his hand beforeaccepting.
“Antibiotic, nothing more,” hesaid.
I swallowed them dry and then sat backdown.
“I didn’t get much warning, it just fucking hit me,” I toldhim.
“You said. Tell me, what would you have done if Summer hadn’t beenawake?”
“Trawled the streets, Iguess.”
“You know how dangerous thatis?”
I closed my eyes and nodded myhead.
“You never do that, okay? We have it under control, Jack. You need to remember that but from tomorrow on we need to work some more on this. Did you runtoday?”
People thought I ran to keep fit, I didn’t. I ran to pump the blood around my system, to have my heart and body pushed to its limit, and to quell the compulsion. I lifted weights for the same reason. I didn’t desire the physique, the muscles; it was just a by-product of my need to punishmyself.
“Cunt,” Iwhispered.
My hands had gripped the sides of the leather chair and I closed my eyesagain.
“You, orhim?”
“Both.”
“You need to stop hating on yourself, Jack. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. He’s not in your life anymore, he’ll never be in your life, but he will always be on the periphery. We need to deal withthis.”
“I know. I thought I had it under control, I really did. I haven’t done this formonths.”
“You haven’t cut but you’ve done other stuff. Is there going to be a problem withHoney?”
“No, she fucking loves it. But I’ll cut her loose. I don’t want to go thereanymore.”
I’d told Summer I was heading for the shops, I had, but with a detour to Honey’s apartment. As soon as she opened the door, she knew what I wanted—what I always wanted. And it was what she needed too. Rough sex, very rough sex between two fucked up people. She was a narcissist, she wanted only what she wanted and thankfully, she served mypurpose.
I’d fucked her mouth and her arse. It left her sated beyond belief, but I walked out of her apartment feelinghollow.
“I need the rough, Dex,” I quietlysaid.
“Then we need another outlet for that, Jack. One day, you’ll fuck up,bad.”
